I am the kind of girl who falls in love so easily. That was before… when your own young heart believes in fairy tales, prince charming and most of all, happy endings. But people do change… maturity and reality has taken its toll on me. I’d like to think I become wiser on dealing with problems of the heart while I was growing up but from time to time, we can’t really escape the feeling of being hurt at times. I don’t want to say I become bitter but instead, become wiser… although sometimes, people around me told me I am become one.
Ever since I know the meaning of the word “crush”, it’s been hitting me so fast like a bullet aimed at my heart. But realizing all of it now and being a mature person I like to think that I am, using that word was only meant for young girls. Mine would be “infatuation”… more of admiration… a deeper feeling from crush but a lesser one from love. Only that it hurts much deeper than love because they are special people who happen to be in your life but don’t belong to you. I never did learn any lesson from it from past experiences… one can’t blame a stubborn heart, right? Especially when your mind won’t cooperate with what your heart was saying… it only creates havoc in your whole being and at the end of the day you just give up on arguing with yourself and just give in or people would think you’re going crazy for talking to yourself.
My friends know all about those special people who happened to occupy my heart and mind from the very beginning. From a childhood friend who will never ever know that he was so dear to me because we part ways when he learned the difference between a girl and a boy and abandoned the friendship we had just because he don’t want to play with me anymore. To a neighbor who courted me, only to be deceived from believing that he really liked me when the truth is, he was my best friend’s boyfriend. I lost my first “boyfriend” and I lost my best friend because of a bet but I have forgiven them a long time ago. Then, to several classmates along my school years from elementary to high school… maybe it was really my fault falling for a friend when that friend of yours happened to like one of your best gal pals. I never did learned, really, even when I was in college. The only consolation I keep telling myself whenever I feel nostalgic about it was that at least I experienced the feeling of “falling in love”… unrequited love… that will always be my case.
A close friend would always tell me it’s martyrdom on my part. Giving up when the battle haven’t even started yet… but how can I win from the battle when I know from the very beginning that I will lost in the end? Those special people have already chosen their partners, and that was not me. It may be a dear, dear friend or a colleague or just random person who happens to be more likeable than me. But there are cases in the past that we both feel the same thing or so I like to think. The problem was that I don’t have the guts to say it to him for it would ruin the friendship we had. Or that it’s just a figment of my imagination that what I see from his eyes and the way he cares for me was he liked me too. Or that I’m just a coward. I don’t know and it will always be regret on my part. Every time I think about it, what ifs and maybes are bugging me… and I will never know the answer to all of it. They have move on already and they are all happy. I just wish that someday I can be happy too. After all the heart aches and regret my heart has been to, I somehow didn’t believe in love anymore. Call it bitterness or cynical, I won’t mind… it’s all in the past.
A special angel brought me back to my senses and made me believe in love again. Hope, really do, springs eternal. If one day, my heart beats for a specialperson again, though I’m quite sure it already did, I’ll gladly accept it and make it real. Not that the person who awakens my heart again isn’t a real one, coz he is. It’s just that he’s so high and I can’t reach him. And now that I am old enough to know the difference between reality from fantasy, and love from admiration… that certain feeling for this man was far from pure love. Yes, it is love but this kind of love I feel for him was out of respect and admiration for a man who happens to awaken a numb heart… that when the heart beats again, she saw his beautiful smiling face and made her believe that love never abandon her. She just had a long rest from the weariness and pains life has brought her and now that she’s alive again and rejuvenated, she’s stronger and wiser than before. And she’s ready to fall in love again… in time and if there’s someone out there who will give his heart to her.
