THE VOID IN OUR GALAXY

“It’s hard to wake up from a nightmare if you aren't even asleep.”-J.S.

It’s been almost a year since I last posted in this blog. Many things happened... some were bad but most were good. I should have posted some to let out my feels but I was too absorbed with them that I found myself letting it out by other means & platforms.

But I never imagined to come to a point that I have to let out what I’m feeling right now, after a very long break, with something that I couldn’t even began to describe nor with someone I couldn’t even imagine writing something about with... for he wasn’t even included in my so called “namja neomu yeppeo list”...

EXO-M Leader... Wu Yifan... Kris happens...

Shock...Denial...

May 15, 2014, past 9 am. I was at work & unethical as it may seem, I was on my phone, browsing for updates & what not’s, when one post from facebook caught my sight. “EXO-M Leader Kris to file a lawsuit against SM Entertainment” , the headline says.

Shock was an understatement. The feeling of reading something that was so absurd, when you knew that things like that is a sensitive topic for everyone who’s into kpop, was indescribable. And I was never the kind of taking things lightly so I searched & searched for news to support whatever joke their playing at.

How I wish it was some kind of twisted, fucked up plot line in fan fictions. How I wish Kris was just not in his right mind, probably drunk from celebrating their successful comeback with Overdose & too wasted that he did those things.  How I wish I was just having a very bad dream, that I was still at home, snuggling in my bed, not in the office trying to function as normal as possible.

Anything but that sick joke... for how can Kris do something like that when he was happy surrounded with his members?!? His dongsaengs?!? How can Kris do something that will make fans upset with worry?!? Duizhang Kris... Galaxy hyung... will never do that... ever...

Pain...Guilt...

Nobody will understand the reason behind every tear that falls from the eyes a fangirl. Be it of happiness & more over from sadness. Everybody will give you judging looks. Everybody will tell you how stupid you are to cry over something silly as winning 1^st place on music charts... on getting top awards from various big award giving bodies ... on small accidents like breaking a pinky to as big as vehicular mishaps. Nobody will ever understand no matter how hard you try to explain everything to them unless you’re a fan yourself.

I have never cried this hard for someone I adore from my other world. I cried over Jungsoo when he enlisted but not to the point where something akin to agony will envelope my whole being... I cried when Heechul enlist too. And I feel guilty for not even shedding a single tear when Hangeng left Super Junior. Same shit happened back then but the situation now was different.

I wasn't yet a fan when Hangeng filed a lawsuit against SM. I didn't saw him grow as an artist, as a member of my first love. It was too late for me to mourn over a battle that was lost and won years after. I was sad, yes. But I was more sad for myself for I didn't know what it feels like to see SJ as 13...As 15... I was more sad over the what-if’s.

Kris' different.

I've watched EXO grow individually...from their awkward debut up to what they are now. I’ve seen them from the very beginning, unlike SJ whom I only get to accept in my life when Hangeng left. And to say that I am sad is an understatement. It feels like the scar the former left was being cut open to replace a fresh wound...it hurts. It hurts a lot.

And what pains me more is the fact that I haven’t seen EXO-M in person... I haven’t seen EXO yet as a whole. Just thinking about the possibility that OT12 will become OT11 was too much to bear. I don’t want my feels for EXO be the same fate as what I felt for SJ. I don’t want a lifetime of regret.

Anger... Bargaining...

As the day goes by, more “updates” surfaced on various social networking sites. But instead of making things clear, it only added to the confusion & pain I was (and so others) we’re feeling. Kris isn’t talking... SME too... the members also. We were all waiting in vain.

And when the time came that Kris spoke about the issue, everything was clear. Or so it seems.

He filed a lawsuit. He did. And that is a fact.

SM Entertainment had no idea about Kris’ actions... or so they say.

It didn’t help that everything was vague. And it didn’t help that the members were clueless... that the members were posting their perception on their own sns... and some were speaking up to at least pacify every fan.

The fandom was in total chaos. Everybody’s taking sides. The pent-up emotions coming from both sides were understandable. But masking confusion with anger is much, much better... so I think.

At one point... I was mad at Suho for saying things at Kris in his speech during their 1^st win for Overdose. I was mad at Tao for subtlety saying that Kris’ a traitor... that he betrayed them. I was mad at the people around them for saying the same thing. And I was mad at their company for doing it again.

And I was more mad to Kris... for not relaying it to his members first... for not keeping his words... for not thinking about what EXO would feel... or how fans would feel... I was mad at Kris for being selfish.

The further I read “news” the more my anger builds. But what good it is to be mad at something that we don’t have any idea what’s really going on? We’re just fans living miles & miles away from the people who were suffering as much as we are... or probably more than can we imagine.

We’re just fans who wanted to protect the people who gave us laughs on their first variety show... the people who gives us everything they’ve got on their performances to the point where they have to endure the pain from an injury that would never heal. We’re just fans who would do anything to make it right... to make it back to where they were before... to see them whole... to see them shouting “We Are One” on their first concert stage a few days from now.

We’re just fans who would bargain for anything and yet we couldn’t for everything was also a blur for us.

Depression...Loneliness...

What will happen to EXO now? To EXO-M?

What will happen to the line that made me visit an extraordinary place?

Who's gonna be the leader if Kris will leave for good?!?

Please...not Yixing. He'll push his body to its limits & kill himself if he will...

No, not Luhan... he can’t handle it...

Are the members angry?!?

Do they even know from the very beginning?!?

Do they even care?!?

What went wrong?

Did we do something wrong to them? To Kris...for him to come up with the idea of leaving?

Was Kris just pretending after all this time? But he’s happy... isn’t he?

Why now? Of all the time, why now when they have a concert to prepare for?

So many depressing thoughts were running inside my head... all was left unanswered. And every minute of every day, more were piling up in my head making me drown in depression... drown in the misery that no one except Kris will save me from.

But will Kris come? As another day went by, the loneliness sunk in. It feels like the whole world were conspiring against us... that the whole universe were covered in total darkness, hiding the galaxy that once were shining so bright upon us.

It was never good to wallow in misery, cry yourself to sleep and moves like a lifeless machine. And listening to their tracks over & over again doesn’t make it any better. The masochist in me just heightens. It’s so painful hearing their voices... remembering that just barely a week ago, they’ve made a successful comeback with their mini album. That just before this shit happened; they’ve held a fanmeet in Japan where Kris was beaming seeing the white lightsticks surrounding them reminding him of the galaxy which is his style. Everyone was just so happy... Kris was so happy.

And now this... But what else there is to do? Everything was on the verge of destruction... promises of forever seems to be broken... years of friendship being put to waste... dreams once shared were thrown out of the window for a “big” & “better” one... lies were masks with forced smile... eyes were covered in thick kohl to hide the pain inside... and people, who once were strangers, who loves you more than just a star were being disregarded like some kind of useless junk. What else there is to do than cry?

We are so many and yet we are lonely.

Reflection...

When you’re absorbed in loneliness, everything was silent. And when everything’s covered in silence, your mind is at peace... you have calmed yourself down and finally thinking things over with a clear mindset.

A person’s who’s angry, felt betrayed, & left hanging has the tendency to say things they aren't supposed to say out loud but meaning to. Idols were never an exception; they are normal humans too after all... capable of feeling those things for it’s definitely not all rainbows & unicorns in the entertainment world.

Suho’s the leader of K while Kris’ to M. They are partners. They were supposed to be there for each other, if not for their members, all the time. They were supposed to be the pillar of strength for the rest. Suho has the right to say those things... it’s just that, his mouth speaks faster than his brain. But he couldn't take it back... it was his real sentiments. No pretensions.

Some fans said it was not Suho speaking... he was just used to relay those words to taint Kris’ image. But now I don’t think that was it... it was true words coming from a partner who was left hanging, shoved in the middle of the spotlight without knowing what to do. His forced smile, his lifeless eyes... he put on a brave façade... putting on an angry mask to hide the pain that the shocking news had been brought upon them. And as a leader, he had to. No one but him has to do it.

Tao’s EXO-M’s maknae. He looked up to Kris like a real brother. Kris’ a very good hyung & a friend to him. Kris always says it was Tao who was his favorite among them. I was blinded by hatred to see that Tao was never the type to sugar-coat his words. He had vent on weibo more than once. And venting out on various sns about the betrayal of a friend was something he had to do to appease himself. There’s nothing new on that... aside from the fact that this is far worse than ranting out how vicious sasaeng fans were.

As for Kris, I knew he was just fighting for his right. Maybe even for the benefit of everybody. He just probably felt tired... physically, mentally & emotionally. Being away from his family must have added to his burdens and took a toll on his mind & body. And escaping all of this thru filing a nullification of his contract with SME’s probably the best solution he can come up with. It is not the best, yes, for many things have been sacrifice in order to attain that decision... maybe... maybe Kris had a very hard time thinking & weighing things & the only way out is to give up.

The Upward Turn & Working Through Reconstruction...

As of this writing, EXO had their first concert stage in Seoul yesterday (May 23, 2014). It was a very successful one and it was only day one. And despite Kris’ absence, the remaining 11 did & will do their best for the fans & for the fulfillment of their lifelong dream.

But before this, we have seen EXO struggle throughout the whole ordeal. They have worked their asses off practicing for the concert as well as solo activites and at the same time battling their own emotions. They’ve masked their sadness with a small smile and promises of not giving up, fighting for their dreams and loving the fans more.

They were slowly moving on and growing as a better person... as a better EXO.

Acceptance & Hope...

Accepting big changes in your life’s never easy... but along the way, you’ll learn how to cope up. You may looked back and think of the what-if’s but holding on to things that seem so far away was not the solution to the problem. And accepting is a long process that needed understanding.

The boys may have realized some things along the way, we never know, but seeing their faces painted with a smile... reading their posts on sns on how much they were looking forward to the future... all the positivity amidst the chaos’ enough for me to believe that they have moved on if not forgetting the issue.

They knew they have to keep moving forward. And towards that journey, the fans were with them. Always.

And hope is a dream that never sleeps they say. Hoping that Kris’ will come back one day... hoping that he’ll change his mind eventually... holding on to that 1% of a chance will be pushed at the back of my head for accepting the reality that’s right infront of our faces’ easier than waiting for things to go back to where they were before.

All we can do now is to accept things as it is and hoping for the best for both sides. And keep moving forward but never forget.

The Aftermath...

If from time to time, we feel like going back to stage 1, 2, 3 or 4... it’s understandable, after all, the controversy’s not yet over. It will take years for this issue to settle down... for us to get used to EXO being 11... not seeing another tall figure among them. But always remember the words coming from the boys themselves...

We Are One.

The fandom doesn't need to break-up into two or more sides. For what the boys needed now, the remaining 11 & Kris himself, is for us to unite as one. The whole K-Pop fandom itself is battleground; we don’t need to add more to it.

Let’s love.

Continuing supporting EXO... supporting Kris... is the best way for us to overcome the pain, the anger and the loneliness. Let love prevail in our own little world. For if there’s a void in our galaxy for now, we can make up for it and fill it to the brim.

For if time heals all wounds, love is enough for it to repair gradually.

Of #TeamGenAd, Disappointments & What Not’s

Kpop Republic Concert.

When the news broke out a few months ago, that EXO & Shinee along with DalShabet will be in Manila by September, I’d be lying if I’ll say I wasn’t thrilled to see them. But realizing how costly the tickets were, I was having doubts... especially when they announced that only EXO-K will get to perform.

Don’t get me wrong, okay? I like EXO in general, but I like M members more than K’s. I have nothing against EXO-K but if your bias is in M, would you still go to a concert where you don’t get to see them? I don’t know about the others but for me, it’s a big NO. So the doubts I was having, after the announcement, came into a full-blown decision. I won’t watch the concert.

I won’t be going... even if I want to see Onew & Minho & the rest of Shinee members. I won’t be going because Yixing wasn’t there... Luhan wasn’t there... Xiumin wasn’t there... EXO-M wasn’t there. I won’t be going... because I have to save more money for Super Show 5... That it’s more important than all reasons combined. But things changed as September approaches...

Probably because, I was reading too much KaiSoo (Kai & Kyungsoo otp) fanfics... or the fact that Sehun was the 1^st EXO member I get to like (which is a history now, lol)... or probably because, Baekhyun... Byun Baekhyun was calling out for me! He was bugging my mind for quite some time now & the curiosity of seeing him in person was an understatement.

So, I bought a General Admission ticket on the same day of the concert & 6 hours before it starts (September 7, 2013; 7:30 pm). I was with friends. And by the time we enter the venue, I was in... I don’t know. I can’t pinpoint what to call the emotions I was having the moment we sat on the bleachers of the gen ad section. The only clear thing I have in mind was that, it won’t be going the way a concert should be. Why?

We were in gen ad, so you’d get the full view of the rest of the venue... Gen Ad was PACKED. But the Upper Box has seats that were not occupied... so was the Lower Box section, which has more empty seats. And the Standing Area? You can run around and do cart-wheels without so much difficulty... enough said. The fun side of it was, we were joking around saying that the Team GenAd should occupy the empty seats... but yeah, wishful thinking.

The lights went off and the crowd’s gone wild. It was a good thing though because it compensates the dreadful feeling I was having in my mind seeing that the artists would be disappointed if they spotted lots of empty seats. And Philippine fans are good at hyping up a concert. Henry Lau can attest to that... because we are Laud loud. People outside the concert venue could probably hear the screams that filled the dome.

Definitely no dead air. Even when the front act, Crispi Crunch & Soomin of April Kiss, performed, the crowd was having a blast. It feels like you’re in a club with the strobe lights dancing around you and the performers were just having a good time onstage interacting with fans. I don’t know anything about the duo of Crispi Crunch nor Soomin but I was amazed with them especially the duo. Their rapping skills were awesome and they can speak English. And when the front act left the stage & DalShabet went out on the platform, you could tell the difference. The crowd was louder... you could even hear the cheers of the fanboys. I also don’t know anything about DalShabet, but they were good and their leader (not sure though but since she was the 1^st to talk I assumed she’s the leader) can speak English too. It was near the ending of the performance of Crispi Crunch & Soomin that I realized something... and it wasn’t good. Which became worst when Dal Shabet performed and by the time EXO & Shinee came out on their respective performances.

It was the technical problem... a lot of it... from the lightings to the sound system.

First and foremost, I’m not an expert when it comes to technical stuff but I’m speaking out of experience. The lightings were okay, it’s just that the way they operate it was the problem. There were times that the lights were on when it shouldn’t be and vice-versa. I don’t know... maybe they didn’t do some technical run-down before the concert began? And the sound system... It’s given that the crowd were screaming their hearts out but if I’ll based it on other concerts I’ve watched, even if the fans were so loud, if the equipment were functioning well, you can still hear whatever the artists were saying despite the language and what not’s. But it wasn’t the case during the Kpop Republic concert. And when I told a friend beside me, she said that it was the same case during the DKFC event last January. Apparently, the team behind Dream Kpop Fantasy Concert was the same team for Kpop Republic. Well, I guess, they didn’t learn their lesson, did they? Or else I won’t bother writing this one. And don’t let me start with what happened before the concert. I’m not in the right position to blurt out the things that happened during the “press conference”. All I can say is that, if the concert was quite a fail... the presscon was a total disaster. I just hoped that foreign fans won’t take it against us coz not all press conferences were like that. And that the artists will just let it slide and forget about it and just focus on how the crowd was all having a good time during their performances.

Clearly, I wasn’t disappointed with the artists who performed. Even if Minho wasn’t there and I only get to see Onew (& the rest of Shinee)... even if it’s only half of EXO and no Yixing nor Luhan or Xiumin... the energy of the fans and the artists kept me in my seat. So were my friends I’m with... they’re a great help or else I won’t enjoy it as much as I enjoy looking at Wu Yifan’s masterpieces.

#GetWellSoonYixing

I was online since 3pm yesterday...I  was reading fanfics just because I'm bored and playing candy crush on fb’s no fun anymore... but my tweetdeck’s still noisy... all because EXO appeared on Show Champion to perform Wolf... streaming links were posted by various EXO fansites so as to help other fans who wants to see them perform...

I was too absorbed reading fics and I wasn't really in the mood to stream... plus the fact that my net connection’s crappy when it comes to streaming... I don’t know if I should be happy that I didn't watch them perform live at that same moment or not? Coz they won their 4^th win... and I didn't get to see them receive the award on the spot... but still I was.. I am happy... I am proud of them... I even switched to my twitter accountt for a minute just to trend #EXO4thWin and continued my reading...but then...

#GetWellSoonYixing & other posts regarding Lay was popping out of my lappy’s screen... I was distracted.. I switched my asianfanfic tab to my twitter... and there it goes...

Lay got injured during the performance... and he apologized to fans.

Goddamnit!

I clicked the youtube clip but I didn't play it.. I prolonged the agony of watching him get hurt because I can't bear it... 5 long hours had past when I got the courage to watch it... and I wish I didn't...

He did really slipped... and he was not performing the way he used to be... pain was evident in his face... his movements... even in his voice when he sang his part...  at some point, he was biting his lips, obviously from so much pain...

I may sound a bit dramatic here but hell! I can’t stop my tears from falling as I watch him struggle to continue performing on stage even if the pain was killing him... and damn him and his pure heart for apologizing to fans for his lacking.

I know he can’t read & understand this and even get to see this post but what the heck!

Yixing...please, stop apologizing. It wasn't your fault. It’s an accident.  Much as we like to see you perform like a wolf.. a beast.. a dancing machine... your health is much more important. They said that unicorns can heal people... but you can't heal yourself right? So please...Get well soon, my lovely unicorn.

credits as tagged

That Certain Feeling

Like a déjà vu...

It probably started with my fascination towards finding out who sang my favorite line on EXO's Angel. I was convincing myself it was Lay's. I searched for fancams of their live performances on youtube. I found some and my question was answered...

It wasn't Lay... it's Luhan's voice.

I hate his eyes... it freaks me out...

I hate his stare... it sends chill down my spine...

I hate his smile... there was just something wicked behind those lips...

But...

I heard his voice... his SOULFUL voice...

And I know I'm doomed for the rest of my life.

The boy who didn't even get a tiny bit of my attention...the boy I disliked coz of his creepy eyes and stares... have a voice of an angel.

Maybe because I made it as my lullaby, that when one morning, I found myself wandering why I dreamed of Luhan.

And one thing lead to another..

He must have tread on the path Leeteuk walked on... the path that's says "the more you hate, the more you love"... coz he just made it to my namja neomu yeppeo list and Yixing isn't really happy about it. XD

CAUGHT IN A TRAP

Four years...

For 4 years, I thought I was okay... that I was fine... that I had moved on... that Super Junior have managed to make me forget... the regret, the pain, the face. That loving 15 men, even if they were so far away, was better than loving a person who was there by your side but never really sees you... that liking 15 men would compensate everything.

But I never imagined that one of them will bring back the past that I thought I have overcome...

Biting my lips... feeling that nauseous sensation as tears slowly forms in my eyes. A moment later, I found myself wiping those salty tears as they fall on my cheeks... just because Henry Lau made me feel things I shouldn't be feeling anymore...

Bittersweet memories that I thought I have forgotten a long time ago... blurred faces becoming clear once more... and the wound that I thought have healed seemed to open once again... all because of that one song.

I could just close the player and walk away... I could just turn off my laptop and get myself busy reading books or even watch tv... but no...If only I could just stop torturing myself, I would... but I can’t... not when I’m trapped with Henry’s voice.

TOO ABSORBED FOR MY OWN GOOD

It probably started when I was hunting/searching for live performances of EXO-M for their song Angel (Into Your World)...

It was because I was trying to find fancams focusing on Lay so that I can convince myself that it was his voice and not Luhan’s that singing my favorite lines. But one thing lead to another... it was either few fancams offers Lay focus or I was just having a bad luck finding one. So I settled with a video close to what I was searching for.

It was their performance during KCon where they sang History & Angel... and my feels just went at its highest...

No offense meant to Tao bias who might read this but hell! I can’t stop laughing of how awkward he danced during his part. It was cute though & I can’t help but think that he’s like Siwon in some ways, in dancing I mean... (Thank goodness, he wasn’t like that anymore with their comeback. He was really good in their WOLF performance.) And I was surprised on how my eyes followed Kris most of the time. It must be his husky voice... I really find his rapping skills & drawl so sexy. I can’t even describe how I feel whenever I hear his bedroom-like voice. *sigh*

And so the part I was waiting for came... it was their Angel performance that came next...

Chen was just really awesome... his vocal prowess was just great for the lack of the right word to describe it. I can clearly imagine him singing OST’s in the future like Yesung. And Xiumin should have longer lines/parts, as well as Lay, for they were not just good in dancing but singing as well. And yeah, Luhan, sang my favorite lines.

It wasn’t Lay but Luhan...

They somewhat have the same voice range so I was really confused. And as much I don’t want to admit it, Luhan and his smile while singing that ballad caught me off-guard. He was like emitting good feels that I found myself smiling while indulging myself with their voices. But don’t get me wrong, okay?!?!

Lay will always be my namja neomu yeppeo #1 in EXO. It’s just that great singers are one of my weaknesses... and Luhan proved to be one of them. He has that “something” in his voice... and the way he sings was really unique. It wasn’t that kind that’ll give you goosebumps or whatever. The way he delivers the songs was like he was acting in a melodrama... full of emotions. I guess, SOULFUL must be the right word for it.

I was too absorbed with Luhan (& Kris) that my eyes were having a hard time finding its way back to Yixing. But it’s good though... knowing that these kids boys are on the right track towards success just like their SJ hyungs.

Into Your World

All along, I thought, Super Junior songs, especially their ballad ones, can moved me. But I was wrong...

It was hard. It was unexpected. And I found myself crying over it... the words, the melody... it was just too beautiful...

All along, I thought, Super Junior songs' the only one that can motivate the writer in me to make a fanfic... But I was wrong...

It was a coincidence. It was inevitable. And I found myself reading the new plot I have made in the middle of the night just to be sure I wasn't dreaming...

I wasn't... it was fitting... it was like the song was the fic's OST...and I realized, I was crying...

Tears just can't help but fall probably because the fic I was planning on posting after I'm done with the Donghae lead fic was Lay's story... and I'm just so overwhelmed with emotions I can't explain because it was like the song was made for it...

I was done with the plot, the characters, the genre...everything... when I found the song on youtube as I was writing my on-going fic... I was out of words...of ideas... & I decided to watch EXO perfs to kill time... hoping to get my mind on track... and switching to Youtube that moment was the best random thing I've done that time... or else I wouldn't get to find this...

It was one of the best ballad song I've heard in my life... not because it was EXO or Kpop... not just because hearing Lay's voice was too precious... not just because Chen blown me away with his vocal prowess... or Luhan's... or Xiumins'... but because the song was simply beautiful.

Beautiful wasn't even the right word to describe it... no perfect words can describe how I felt when I heard it & learned the lyrics...the meaning of the song. Addicted? Yes... I was drawn into their world.

And I just can't get over the goosebumps. I would have to play it over and over again.