9:00 in the morning, I suddenly woke up… and the first thing I saw when I open my eyes was Leeteuk’s face. I always have this big picture of him posted on my bedroom wall and every night, before I went to sleep, I’ll look at it and said goodnight. Weird, right? Oh well, what would you expect from a bias or a SuJu fan like myself? ^^
I don’t know why this morning felt different. I grab my cellphone and start to play a song that I just got from my sister yesterday. It was Parokya ni Edgar’s (a legendary OPM band) Pangarap Lang Kita featuring Ms. Happee Sy’s (now Mrs. Vernon Go^^) voice, she’s the producer of Super Show here in Manila. I was listening to the song while looking at Teuk’s face and a favorite line from one of my favorite local paperback romance writer kept ringing inside my head. She wrote this quote on one of her novels which is about a girl who fell in love with one of the members of a rock band. The friend of the girl said this line to her: “Hindi ka kayang mahalin ng isang pangarap lang…” (“A dream can’t love you back…”). With the words ringing in my head and the song playing over and over again in the background plus the face of the man my heart beats for staring back at me, train of thoughts suddenly filled my head.
I know for a fact that he can’t like or love me back for many reasons my mind could think of. One, I’m just one of his millions of fans. Two, I’m here in my own country and he’s in Korea. And even if I live in the same place as his, will there be a possibility that he will notice me from so many girls around him? Three, I know I’m beautiful in my own way but I don’t think I’m his type of girl. So on and so forth. But like I always tell to myself, “There’s no harm in dreaming.” So I kept on dreaming even if reality was already in front of me, biting me like a snake. Until this morning, my mind flashed this in front of me… I WANT TO SEE HIM, PERSONALLY. Why?
I want to see him, personally, not because I want to seduce (LOL) him into liking me back. Or stalk him like a fan should do to their idol. I just want to see him because I want to know if what I feel for him is real. I want to know if my heart will beat so hard like the way it always did whenever I see his face on t.v. or pictures. I WANT TO KNOW IF WHAT I FEEL IS REAL. I may sound like a delusional fan, but I know the score. I am not. I just want to be free from the aching but wonderful feeling that envelopes my whole being ever since I started to notice him. I want to fall in love with a real man, not that I’m saying he’s not real or anything. A real man whose going to love me back and accept me for who I am. A real man whom I can spend my whole life with and I can touch and feel his warmth. Do you get what I mean?
I don’t when I’ll be able to see him personally. Maybe next year, before he enlist the army or maybe after two to three years, when he goes out of the army. I don’t really know. Only time will tell but one thing I’m sure is that I’m really going to see him even if it takes years before that happen. I still have to finish my studies and work for a living so I can save money for travelling abroad. I still have to prioritize my career and family. Love can wait. For now, dreaming of him is the only way to cope up with what I am feeling right now.
A dream can’t love me back, I know. But just like what the heroine in the novel I’ve read, I can always make my dream possible. Who knows, when the time comes I finally go to his place, a miracle might happen? Maybe the dream will stay a dream and then I’ll move on with my life…or maybe it will turn into a reality…just maybe…
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