“Don’t cry over the empty space that I left… Until the day that we meet again, I won’t let go of your hand… My heart only has you; your heart only has me… Similar sentiments, the proof of our love… The same sky, different place… We’re separated for now, for this instant, something to never forget… Please remember…”-ONLY U by Super Junior
Army enlistment.
An inevitable thing that happens to any Korean man, idol or not. But unlike for ordinary men, parting with an idol is hard to do. Ordinary men would only leave behind their families, friends, a girlfriend or a fiancée, even a wife & their children… people whom he knew for sure will be there once he gets back, waiting. Quite the same thing if a man is a celebrity, especially an idol…only that, it’s twice as much as what a civilian has to say goodbye.
Army enlistment. How ironic that it’s one of the things I’ve encountered during the time I was feeding myself with information regarding my bias. And it was a big issue back then because Kangin just left behind all his activities with Super Junior and went to serve his country as a man of Korea should do. So it came to me as no surprise that Leeteuk will soon enlist for I am very perceptive of it from the very beginning.
Two years.
It’s the mandatory time a man should at least serve his country & countrymen. That’s also how long since Leeteuk’s been my bias and read about his “army enlistment”. Although I’m aware that it’ll happen, I was secretly hoping that it won’t. In that span of time, I was relieved that it didn’t come sooner than I was expecting it to be. It even came to a point where I almost forgot about it and continued living happily with the thought that my bias won’t leave me. I feel safe thinking about it. Until Heechul, my 2nd favorite, enlisted for the army that I knew I was gravely mistaken.
I was shocked when I got the news of Heechul’s enlistment through a text message of a dear friend. I was going home from work then and I have made myself look like a fool for crying in a public transportation. But I don’t really give a damn about it, I only care about the pain I was feeling at that moment and the realization that hit me like stray bullet.
It was Jungsoo’s turn to enlist. And this time, there won’t be any delusional thoughts of him not leaving… for this time, it’s real.
Yes, I became depressed after Heechul’s enlistment knowing that Leeteuk might follow but then I came to realize that it has to be done. And I have reminded myself that I knew about it from the start… that everything that has to do with him was part of the package after my heart chose him as my Super Junior bias. Plus the fact that he was very vocal about its possibilities on his interviews, even before Heechul enlisted. So the depression I felt was then turned into happiness. Or it’s more of a consolation on my part as a fan. For I have presumed that with him serving in the army, there’ll be less expenses for him. No more merchandise sold by his fan sites… no more support projects for him and his shows… and no more gifts on his birthdays.
My savings is I’m free! For some time, I felt contented with those comforting thoughts… but all’s good while it lasts.
After a year of Heechul being in the army, news about Jungsoo’s enlistment was getting stronger. He even brought up the topic himself on his interviews.
SOON… that’s what he always says. And the sadness I felt before came back; and like a wounded animal seeking for comfort, humans tend to transform his emotions into something else. As for me, it’s hatred. But hate is such a strong word… disappointed, yes, and hurt. It just so happens that during that time, he did something terrible that made us feel that way towards him. And to be honest, the halo was still there but some of the feathers on my wings had fallen. No one can blame us though for we were really offended of what he’d done. So armed with an upset heart, I’m one of those who took the liberty of mocking, teasing, ridiculing, poke fun at him, you name it, on SNS. For months, I kept on doing what I believed would ease the distraught my fan-girl’s heart was feeling. I didn’t even care if I lost lots of my followers on my twitter accounts. But as months pass by, the wound have healed and all that was left was a little scar that will remind me that he’s not perfect. There’s no point making fun of him, it’s tiring. Forgetting is much easier.
With Heechul in the army, I tried to focus my eyes on other members…particularly; Yesung, Donghae & Eunhyuk. But it’s not forgetting what I’m doing; it’s more like a diversion. At the back of my mind, I was thinking that if I’d hate Leeteuk, tried to forget him, and even looking at other men (
EXO & other Kpop idols as well), the pain of seeing him leaving wouldn’t hurt so much. But no… so I went on hiatus. It’s also timely that our contract with the internet provider was coming to an end. Besides, I have to concentrate on my thesis and go back to school for the 2nd semester. I was too absorbed with my own personal issues that I forgot the time. It’s good though, for my heart and my mind had a good rest with issues from the fandom. More importantly, I have recognized that what I did to Jungsoo was a way of preparing myself for the adjustments I have to do once he enlists.
And I’ve realized that I was a coward hiding behind the animosity I was trying to convey… That only death and amnesia can erase memories… That I don’t really want to forget at all, for forgetting him won’t make it any better… That my world won’t end when he enlists… When the moment I found the strength to face my fears came, I log on to my SNS. There’s no turning back now. I believed I was ready for the inevitable. But… the first thing I saw was the confirmation of his enlistment date. October 30, 2012.
Two years. I thought I wouldn’t shed a tear when he’ll announce the exact date that he’ll enlist. I was so wrong. Just thinking about how long I won’t see his face, his smile, his tears…of how long I won’t hear his voice, his weird laugh, his shout… brings tears to my eyes. I know I shouldn’t be crying since I’ve already set in my mind that 2 years isn’t that long but the moment I’ve read the news; I was listening to, his & Donghae’s self-composed song, ONLY U and my tears can’t help but fall. And one of the things I hate in this world is saying goodbye…
Thank you and I’m sorry for everything but you will not hear any goodbyes from me… coz if I’ll say goodbye, it’d only mean it’s over. But it’s not over… our journey has only begun its new chapter for SJ & ELF’s history together. And like what I’ve said when Heechul enlisted…
“Life must go on but along with moving on is holding on to the promise we made, not just to Heechul but to all of the members of Super Junior who left… who temporarily leave for the army and to those who will leave sooner or later to serve his country in the future. And when that happens, we are stronger… stronger and better than what we are now. Because, if SUPER JUNIOR’s the LAST MAN STANDING, ELF will be the LAST FANDOM STANDING.”
We will be waiting. Always. Forever. No goodbyes, Leeteuk…but rather… until we see each other again.
