THE VOID IN OUR GALAXY

“It’s hard to wake up from a nightmare if you aren't even asleep.”-J.S.

It’s been almost a year since I last posted in this blog. Many things happened... some were bad but most were good. I should have posted some to let out my feels but I was too absorbed with them that I found myself letting it out by other means & platforms.

But I never imagined to come to a point that I have to let out what I’m feeling right now, after a very long break, with something that I couldn’t even began to describe nor with someone I couldn’t even imagine writing something about with... for he wasn’t even included in my so called “namja neomu yeppeo list”...

EXO-M Leader... Wu Yifan... Kris happens...

Shock...Denial...

May 15, 2014, past 9 am. I was at work & unethical as it may seem, I was on my phone, browsing for updates & what not’s, when one post from facebook caught my sight. “EXO-M Leader Kris to file a lawsuit against SM Entertainment” , the headline says.

Shock was an understatement. The feeling of reading something that was so absurd, when you knew that things like that is a sensitive topic for everyone who’s into kpop, was indescribable. And I was never the kind of taking things lightly so I searched & searched for news to support whatever joke their playing at.

How I wish it was some kind of twisted, fucked up plot line in fan fictions. How I wish Kris was just not in his right mind, probably drunk from celebrating their successful comeback with Overdose & too wasted that he did those things.  How I wish I was just having a very bad dream, that I was still at home, snuggling in my bed, not in the office trying to function as normal as possible.

Anything but that sick joke... for how can Kris do something like that when he was happy surrounded with his members?!? His dongsaengs?!? How can Kris do something that will make fans upset with worry?!? Duizhang Kris... Galaxy hyung... will never do that... ever...

Pain...Guilt...

Nobody will understand the reason behind every tear that falls from the eyes a fangirl. Be it of happiness & more over from sadness. Everybody will give you judging looks. Everybody will tell you how stupid you are to cry over something silly as winning 1^st place on music charts... on getting top awards from various big award giving bodies ... on small accidents like breaking a pinky to as big as vehicular mishaps. Nobody will ever understand no matter how hard you try to explain everything to them unless you’re a fan yourself.

I have never cried this hard for someone I adore from my other world. I cried over Jungsoo when he enlisted but not to the point where something akin to agony will envelope my whole being... I cried when Heechul enlist too. And I feel guilty for not even shedding a single tear when Hangeng left Super Junior. Same shit happened back then but the situation now was different.

I wasn't yet a fan when Hangeng filed a lawsuit against SM. I didn't saw him grow as an artist, as a member of my first love. It was too late for me to mourn over a battle that was lost and won years after. I was sad, yes. But I was more sad for myself for I didn't know what it feels like to see SJ as 13...As 15... I was more sad over the what-if’s.

Kris' different.

I've watched EXO grow individually...from their awkward debut up to what they are now. I’ve seen them from the very beginning, unlike SJ whom I only get to accept in my life when Hangeng left. And to say that I am sad is an understatement. It feels like the scar the former left was being cut open to replace a fresh wound...it hurts. It hurts a lot.

And what pains me more is the fact that I haven’t seen EXO-M in person... I haven’t seen EXO yet as a whole. Just thinking about the possibility that OT12 will become OT11 was too much to bear. I don’t want my feels for EXO be the same fate as what I felt for SJ. I don’t want a lifetime of regret.

Anger... Bargaining...

As the day goes by, more “updates” surfaced on various social networking sites. But instead of making things clear, it only added to the confusion & pain I was (and so others) we’re feeling. Kris isn’t talking... SME too... the members also. We were all waiting in vain.

And when the time came that Kris spoke about the issue, everything was clear. Or so it seems.

He filed a lawsuit. He did. And that is a fact.

SM Entertainment had no idea about Kris’ actions... or so they say.

It didn’t help that everything was vague. And it didn’t help that the members were clueless... that the members were posting their perception on their own sns... and some were speaking up to at least pacify every fan.

The fandom was in total chaos. Everybody’s taking sides. The pent-up emotions coming from both sides were understandable. But masking confusion with anger is much, much better... so I think.

At one point... I was mad at Suho for saying things at Kris in his speech during their 1^st win for Overdose. I was mad at Tao for subtlety saying that Kris’ a traitor... that he betrayed them. I was mad at the people around them for saying the same thing. And I was mad at their company for doing it again.

And I was more mad to Kris... for not relaying it to his members first... for not keeping his words... for not thinking about what EXO would feel... or how fans would feel... I was mad at Kris for being selfish.

The further I read “news” the more my anger builds. But what good it is to be mad at something that we don’t have any idea what’s really going on? We’re just fans living miles & miles away from the people who were suffering as much as we are... or probably more than can we imagine.

We’re just fans who wanted to protect the people who gave us laughs on their first variety show... the people who gives us everything they’ve got on their performances to the point where they have to endure the pain from an injury that would never heal. We’re just fans who would do anything to make it right... to make it back to where they were before... to see them whole... to see them shouting “We Are One” on their first concert stage a few days from now.

We’re just fans who would bargain for anything and yet we couldn’t for everything was also a blur for us.

Depression...Loneliness...

What will happen to EXO now? To EXO-M?

What will happen to the line that made me visit an extraordinary place?

Who's gonna be the leader if Kris will leave for good?!?

Please...not Yixing. He'll push his body to its limits & kill himself if he will...

No, not Luhan... he can’t handle it...

Are the members angry?!?

Do they even know from the very beginning?!?

Do they even care?!?

What went wrong?

Did we do something wrong to them? To Kris...for him to come up with the idea of leaving?

Was Kris just pretending after all this time? But he’s happy... isn’t he?

Why now? Of all the time, why now when they have a concert to prepare for?

So many depressing thoughts were running inside my head... all was left unanswered. And every minute of every day, more were piling up in my head making me drown in depression... drown in the misery that no one except Kris will save me from.

But will Kris come? As another day went by, the loneliness sunk in. It feels like the whole world were conspiring against us... that the whole universe were covered in total darkness, hiding the galaxy that once were shining so bright upon us.

It was never good to wallow in misery, cry yourself to sleep and moves like a lifeless machine. And listening to their tracks over & over again doesn’t make it any better. The masochist in me just heightens. It’s so painful hearing their voices... remembering that just barely a week ago, they’ve made a successful comeback with their mini album. That just before this shit happened; they’ve held a fanmeet in Japan where Kris was beaming seeing the white lightsticks surrounding them reminding him of the galaxy which is his style. Everyone was just so happy... Kris was so happy.

And now this... But what else there is to do? Everything was on the verge of destruction... promises of forever seems to be broken... years of friendship being put to waste... dreams once shared were thrown out of the window for a “big” & “better” one... lies were masks with forced smile... eyes were covered in thick kohl to hide the pain inside... and people, who once were strangers, who loves you more than just a star were being disregarded like some kind of useless junk. What else there is to do than cry?

We are so many and yet we are lonely.

Reflection...

When you’re absorbed in loneliness, everything was silent. And when everything’s covered in silence, your mind is at peace... you have calmed yourself down and finally thinking things over with a clear mindset.

A person’s who’s angry, felt betrayed, & left hanging has the tendency to say things they aren't supposed to say out loud but meaning to. Idols were never an exception; they are normal humans too after all... capable of feeling those things for it’s definitely not all rainbows & unicorns in the entertainment world.

Suho’s the leader of K while Kris’ to M. They are partners. They were supposed to be there for each other, if not for their members, all the time. They were supposed to be the pillar of strength for the rest. Suho has the right to say those things... it’s just that, his mouth speaks faster than his brain. But he couldn't take it back... it was his real sentiments. No pretensions.

Some fans said it was not Suho speaking... he was just used to relay those words to taint Kris’ image. But now I don’t think that was it... it was true words coming from a partner who was left hanging, shoved in the middle of the spotlight without knowing what to do. His forced smile, his lifeless eyes... he put on a brave façade... putting on an angry mask to hide the pain that the shocking news had been brought upon them. And as a leader, he had to. No one but him has to do it.

Tao’s EXO-M’s maknae. He looked up to Kris like a real brother. Kris’ a very good hyung & a friend to him. Kris always says it was Tao who was his favorite among them. I was blinded by hatred to see that Tao was never the type to sugar-coat his words. He had vent on weibo more than once. And venting out on various sns about the betrayal of a friend was something he had to do to appease himself. There’s nothing new on that... aside from the fact that this is far worse than ranting out how vicious sasaeng fans were.

As for Kris, I knew he was just fighting for his right. Maybe even for the benefit of everybody. He just probably felt tired... physically, mentally & emotionally. Being away from his family must have added to his burdens and took a toll on his mind & body. And escaping all of this thru filing a nullification of his contract with SME’s probably the best solution he can come up with. It is not the best, yes, for many things have been sacrifice in order to attain that decision... maybe... maybe Kris had a very hard time thinking & weighing things & the only way out is to give up.

The Upward Turn & Working Through Reconstruction...

As of this writing, EXO had their first concert stage in Seoul yesterday (May 23, 2014). It was a very successful one and it was only day one. And despite Kris’ absence, the remaining 11 did & will do their best for the fans & for the fulfillment of their lifelong dream.

But before this, we have seen EXO struggle throughout the whole ordeal. They have worked their asses off practicing for the concert as well as solo activites and at the same time battling their own emotions. They’ve masked their sadness with a small smile and promises of not giving up, fighting for their dreams and loving the fans more.

They were slowly moving on and growing as a better person... as a better EXO.

Acceptance & Hope...

Accepting big changes in your life’s never easy... but along the way, you’ll learn how to cope up. You may looked back and think of the what-if’s but holding on to things that seem so far away was not the solution to the problem. And accepting is a long process that needed understanding.

The boys may have realized some things along the way, we never know, but seeing their faces painted with a smile... reading their posts on sns on how much they were looking forward to the future... all the positivity amidst the chaos’ enough for me to believe that they have moved on if not forgetting the issue.

They knew they have to keep moving forward. And towards that journey, the fans were with them. Always.

And hope is a dream that never sleeps they say. Hoping that Kris’ will come back one day... hoping that he’ll change his mind eventually... holding on to that 1% of a chance will be pushed at the back of my head for accepting the reality that’s right infront of our faces’ easier than waiting for things to go back to where they were before.

All we can do now is to accept things as it is and hoping for the best for both sides. And keep moving forward but never forget.

The Aftermath...

If from time to time, we feel like going back to stage 1, 2, 3 or 4... it’s understandable, after all, the controversy’s not yet over. It will take years for this issue to settle down... for us to get used to EXO being 11... not seeing another tall figure among them. But always remember the words coming from the boys themselves...

We Are One.

The fandom doesn't need to break-up into two or more sides. For what the boys needed now, the remaining 11 & Kris himself, is for us to unite as one. The whole K-Pop fandom itself is battleground; we don’t need to add more to it.

Let’s love.

Continuing supporting EXO... supporting Kris... is the best way for us to overcome the pain, the anger and the loneliness. Let love prevail in our own little world. For if there’s a void in our galaxy for now, we can make up for it and fill it to the brim.

For if time heals all wounds, love is enough for it to repair gradually.