CAUGHT IN A TRAP

Four years...

For 4 years, I thought I was okay... that I was fine... that I had moved on... that Super Junior have managed to make me forget... the regret, the pain, the face. That loving 15 men, even if they were so far away, was better than loving a person who was there by your side but never really sees you... that liking 15 men would compensate everything.

But I never imagined that one of them will bring back the past that I thought I have overcome...

Biting my lips... feeling that nauseous sensation as tears slowly forms in my eyes. A moment later, I found myself wiping those salty tears as they fall on my cheeks... just because Henry Lau made me feel things I shouldn't be feeling anymore...

Bittersweet memories that I thought I have forgotten a long time ago... blurred faces becoming clear once more... and the wound that I thought have healed seemed to open once again... all because of that one song.

I could just close the player and walk away... I could just turn off my laptop and get myself busy reading books or even watch tv... but no...If only I could just stop torturing myself, I would... but I can’t... not when I’m trapped with Henry’s voice.

TOO ABSORBED FOR MY OWN GOOD

It probably started when I was hunting/searching for live performances of EXO-M for their song Angel (Into Your World)...

It was because I was trying to find fancams focusing on Lay so that I can convince myself that it was his voice and not Luhan’s that singing my favorite lines. But one thing lead to another... it was either few fancams offers Lay focus or I was just having a bad luck finding one. So I settled with a video close to what I was searching for.

It was their performance during KCon where they sang History & Angel... and my feels just went at its highest...

No offense meant to Tao bias who might read this but hell! I can’t stop laughing of how awkward he danced during his part. It was cute though & I can’t help but think that he’s like Siwon in some ways, in dancing I mean... (Thank goodness, he wasn’t like that anymore with their comeback. He was really good in their WOLF performance.) And I was surprised on how my eyes followed Kris most of the time. It must be his husky voice... I really find his rapping skills & drawl so sexy. I can’t even describe how I feel whenever I hear his bedroom-like voice. *sigh*

And so the part I was waiting for came... it was their Angel performance that came next...

Chen was just really awesome... his vocal prowess was just great for the lack of the right word to describe it. I can clearly imagine him singing OST’s in the future like Yesung. And Xiumin should have longer lines/parts, as well as Lay, for they were not just good in dancing but singing as well. And yeah, Luhan, sang my favorite lines.

It wasn’t Lay but Luhan...

They somewhat have the same voice range so I was really confused. And as much I don’t want to admit it, Luhan and his smile while singing that ballad caught me off-guard. He was like emitting good feels that I found myself smiling while indulging myself with their voices. But don’t get me wrong, okay?!?!

Lay will always be my namja neomu yeppeo #1 in EXO. It’s just that great singers are one of my weaknesses... and Luhan proved to be one of them. He has that “something” in his voice... and the way he sings was really unique. It wasn’t that kind that’ll give you goosebumps or whatever. The way he delivers the songs was like he was acting in a melodrama... full of emotions. I guess, SOULFUL must be the right word for it.

I was too absorbed with Luhan (& Kris) that my eyes were having a hard time finding its way back to Yixing. But it’s good though... knowing that these kids boys are on the right track towards success just like their SJ hyungs.

Into Your World

All along, I thought, Super Junior songs, especially their ballad ones, can moved me. But I was wrong...

It was hard. It was unexpected. And I found myself crying over it... the words, the melody... it was just too beautiful...

All along, I thought, Super Junior songs' the only one that can motivate the writer in me to make a fanfic... But I was wrong...

It was a coincidence. It was inevitable. And I found myself reading the new plot I have made in the middle of the night just to be sure I wasn't dreaming...

I wasn't... it was fitting... it was like the song was the fic's OST...and I realized, I was crying...

Tears just can't help but fall probably because the fic I was planning on posting after I'm done with the Donghae lead fic was Lay's story... and I'm just so overwhelmed with emotions I can't explain because it was like the song was made for it...

I was done with the plot, the characters, the genre...everything... when I found the song on youtube as I was writing my on-going fic... I was out of words...of ideas... & I decided to watch EXO perfs to kill time... hoping to get my mind on track... and switching to Youtube that moment was the best random thing I've done that time... or else I wouldn't get to find this...

It was one of the best ballad song I've heard in my life... not because it was EXO or Kpop... not just because hearing Lay's voice was too precious... not just because Chen blown me away with his vocal prowess... or Luhan's... or Xiumins'... but because the song was simply beautiful.

Beautiful wasn't even the right word to describe it... no perfect words can describe how I felt when I heard it & learned the lyrics...the meaning of the song. Addicted? Yes... I was drawn into their world.

And I just can't get over the goosebumps. I would have to play it over and over again.

OF SJ, BEAMS, ROOF & COLUMNS

Drawing. A skill. A hobby. A passion.

Ever since I was a child, it was the only thing I could do. As far as I can recall, I have a big supply of crayons, pencils & papers; even colored chalk and a black board. When I was in kindergarten, I was part of a national drawing competition for youngsters. I can’t exactly bring to mind how did that happen but I think my parents got me into it. I remember that incident where my father was training me even if there’s no power supply due to nationwide crisis. We literally burned the midnight oil just so I could secure a place and luckily I think the sacrifice paid off. I can’t recollect if I won the grand prize but if I’ll base it on the medal in the storage box and the big trophy I was holding in my childhood pictures, I think I did. The trophy wasn't in my possession though; my teacher brought it in her home according to my mother.

What did I draw back then? It was a house. A native house... a nipa hut (bahay kubo) to be exact, with all the fruits & vegetables that comes with it.

It was not my intention to take up Architecture, not until I was in high school. Whenever somebody ask me what I want to be when I grew up, I always tell them I want to be a Fashion Designer. Probably because when I was a child, I love playing with dolls, dressing them up & everything. But a person changes his/her mind as he/she grows up. I grew up. I didn't play with dolls anymore. Television became my playmate and watching cartoons & animes has been my past time (until now XD). And slam book has been a big part of a student, both elementary & high school, life. In the part where they’ll ask you what you want to take up, I find myself writing Fine Arts every time.

I was a big, big fan of anime and I was always imagining myself creating those characters. I even have a portfolio of my drawings of Dragon Ball, Sailor Moon, Ghost Fighter, Flame of Recca, Card Captor Sakura, Hunter X Hunter, Slam Dunk & other famous series that grazed the Philippine television back then. My portfolio was gone now coz I gave it to my nephew, but if I have spare time, I draw on my sketchpad.

I was entering my last year in highschool when we were told that we have a new subject. Although I did take that up when I was a highschool freshman in a special science highschool, I never really did take it seriously. But I have learned a lot from it that I used it as a tool when we were told that we have a Drafting subject. I was deeply immersed on it... maybe because our instructor was really good or maybe because it’s still drawing; the one thing that I really love doing. Then one day, my teacher approached me while we were working on a simple floor plan. He suddenly asked what will I take up in college and I said, “Architecture”. It was sudden but I feel so sure when I blurted it out. And when I look up to my teacher, he was smiling and said that I’ll be good in it.

It was one of the reasons why when I take up college entrance exams from different universities, Architecture was always my first choice. Although I failed to make it in UP due to the fact that it’s a quota course and I didn't even tried in UST coz of its high tuition, I did make it to TUP & PUP. But I chose PUP coz it’s economical. And Architecture is an expensive course with all the drawing materials needed for it and enrolling in a state university is practical.

Architecture is a 5 year course with a board exam after 2 years of working experience when you graduate. I thought it was easy, that my college life’s smooth sailing. But I was wrong. It took me 8 years to finish it. My family & friends blame it all to one thing. My distraction. Super Junior. But I never did, not even once. What they don’t understand is that SJ’s my savior... the driving force that will finally made me join the coming mid-year graduation.

Super Junior debuted in November 2005; I was in my 2^nd semester as a college freshman. I was not yet a fan. Even when 2006 came, as far as I can remember, I was still a fan of JPop (Arashi to be exact) & F4 of Taiwan was dominating the country like crazy. Then 2007 came. Although I’m still not yet a fan, it was the turning point of my college life. I failed the Architecture Qualifying Exam, an exam that will determine if a student should pursue the studies in the next year. It was like my dreams were shattered into pieces and I thought that I can’t be an Architect anymore. I cried... my friends cried coz we all thought it’s the end of the world. Fortunately, all those who failed will still be accommodated with the condition that he/she’s on probation and no more block section.

2008. I was separated from my blockmates/friends. I was always alone. I was more shy than I used to be. I don’t mingle much with my new classmates. I feel like an outcast. I find comfort watching music shows on cable channels. It was there that I saw this group in an MV. I don’t know their name but one thing that caught my attention, aside from the cute video, was that they are so many. And the song was spreading a happy mood. Then I saw them again in another music video, a very different one from the first I saw them with.

Whenever a fellow fan asks me how I became a Super Junior fan, I always tell them that it was through Neorago(It’s You) MV back in 2009. Although I first saw them in Haengbok (Happiness) MV then Don Don, I wasn't really into them as I've already explained in one of my entries. It was really the following year, the time they were slowly being recognized worldwide, that I can call myself a fan. And it was also the time I was starting to pick up the pieces of my college life. I started opening up & making friends with my new block mates. And I was back where I came from... I reunited with my former original blockmates. My 4^th year was a blast.

All along I thought it’s going to be the same the next year, but 2010 was not. It’s our final year and it only meant one thing, THESIS. I manage to come up with a proposal and luckily I somehow passed the 1^st deliberation during the 1^st semester. But I failed on the 2^nd semester and with that I became an irregular student. I won’t be able to graduate on time and that I have to spend another year for my thesis subject. That feeling I felt when I failed the AQE in 2007, came back all over again. I was depressed plus the fact that something came up in the family. 

That dreadful feeling that I won't be able to do the only thing that I love... that I'm good at... I feel like dying. It's like my breath was being sucked from me. And Super Junior was my escape from reality. I found comfort in their music even though I don’t understand any words their saying. And that’s when I knew I became not just a fan but an Ever Lasting Friend... an ELF.

2011. I have lost my desire... my dream of becoming an architect. I was so immersed in the fandom. Probably because I was new and it was the first for me, I’d spent almost 24/7 talking to fellow ELFs. But I was still attending classes for the 2^nd semester of my thesis subject just for the heck of it. My parents thought I was working on my project whenever I use my computer but I’m not. I have plenty of alibis whenever they asked what I’m doing and I’m not proud of it. My friends were disappointed to the point that they were scolding me to the core and I have to cut my communications to them. When my parents and friends found out what I’m into, they blame Super Junior for what I have become. But I never did. If there’s someone to blame, it was me.

For a year, it was like a tug-of-war between me & my fangirling versus my family & friends. I was distracted, yes, but it’s not the boys fault if I was carried away with the distraction. It’s my decision to be distracted... it was me who “ruined” my life... and although the people around me think otherwise, they have finally accepted the fact that I won’t give up on my new found love. And one of the things that the fandom & the boys taught me is to believe. Believe in myself and not give up easily... believe that miracles can happen and hope really springs eternal...

I found the courage to stand up from where I fell on. I started to pick up the pieces of my life, again. I found my way back to my dream... with the voices of 15 angels guiding me to it. God gave me Super Junior to show me the way back to my goal. It was because of them that I manage to face my ordeal... my last and only chance to fulfill my aspirations in life. It was them who stood by me during my sleepless nights making my floor plans. And if there’s a song that keeps me motivated all throughout those days and nights and all these years, its MIRACLE. The only song that automatically plays inside my head whenever I feel like something good’s happening or about to come. The song of my soul.

And now that I’m going to graduate and start a new chapter in my life where I’ll get to deal with real beams, columns and roofs and not just detailed drawings... I can hear it playing again. Life really couldn't get any better.

The Unexpected U...nicorn

"The only thing that should surprise us is that there are still some things that can surprise us."-Francois de La Rochefoucauld 

Funny how I have to eat my words that I won't like and won't have any other bias from KPop idol groups aside from Super Junior...but life sure is full of surprises.

A year. That's how long I've been away from the fandom & the cyberspace due to studies. I have to cut myself off from all of it to concentrate on my thesis. And probably because I know that there's nothing out there that can hold me back. Heechul's away. Jungsoo too. No reason for me to stay. Or so I thought.

That entire year felt like forever and the only thing that keep me sane was Donghae's face. He was like the only thing that made me stay in the fandom...just joking :) Even though Leeteuk & Heechul were missing coz of their army duties, I will always be an ELF. It's just that I have find myself smitten by Prince Lee Donghae...It was fun though. It never occurred to me that I'll find the other half of my fave otp, irresistible.

He always look good, cute, squishy, you name it...in my eyes, but I didn't paid that much attention to him coz I always see him as the other half of Eunhyuk. The EUNHAE couple. My favorite otp (one true pairing). So I was really having a hard time admitting to myself that I like him more than before. And Yesung was like "Why am I suddenly become your #5?" LOL!

The admission's the hard part but the realization of liking another man from the group isn't. Besides, what's the use of having 15 men in one group if you'll only like one?!? Just like the saying goes, "If the cat's away, the mouse will play." ㅋㅋㅋ So be it. It's the same group I love anyway. But unexpected things really do happen. The year that I was away was also the year another group from SM Entertainment debuted. 

EXO. A 12 member South Korean-Chinese boy band with 2 sub-groups, Exo-M & Exo-K. One man short from Super Junior with 13 members...2 men short from Super Junior with Zhoumi & Henry. Am I rattled?!?No... I'm way passed the stage where a fan should be pissed off with new group/s that'll threaten the status of the band he/she supports. I believe I'm mature enough to accept the fact that younger generations of idol group will come our way. It's how the entertainment industry works anyway, especially the KPop Music Industry.

When EXO has been the talk of the town, or rather the Kpop world, I wasn't really into it. Sure, I accept them wholeheartedly but I never paid attention to what and who are they. My eyes and my heart's glued only to SJ. But one particular event made me notice them for real. I won't elaborate on it..just read here...coz just remembering it makes my blood level high T_T

So yeah, I got curious with the group and then one day I found myself liking a particular member...Oh Sehun. I just found him way too cute with his "bbuing, bbuing" & that tounge of his. But as much as I want to indulge myself with EXO, I can't. Sure, I was searching infos & stuff, but I don't know why I can't seem to memorize or remember even half of what I've read. Even their faces were all blurred. Plus the fact that my thesis is more important than them.

I cut myself off from all of it...again. Thesis deadline was on the way that time & I have to focus. But then Christmas time came and it only meant one thing. Year-end performances from 3 major networks in South Korea. I told myself, "It's vacation so I have all the right to do anything." And so I did...or else  I wouldn't be able to revive my interest on EXO but this time it's not Sehun who caught my attention.

I'm a sucker for bedimpled boys/men... that's why I was blown away when I first saw Jungsoo...I'm very vocal about it right? And I thought it was only Leeteuk that could do that to me...but I was very wrong... The moment I saw the SM Performance unit performed Spectrum on SBS Gayo Daejun, I can't help but follow a certain guy.

Never in my wildest imagination that somebody can make me do what I did when I first saw Leeteuk. All along, I thought he's the first & last man that could make me feel something stir inside my heart. And it's so easy for me to admit to myself that I'm falling each and every day to this particular boy.

Lay. Zhang Yixing.

He's handsome for the lack of the right word to say about his almost perfect profile. He's uber talented. He composes songs. He plays the guitar & the piano. He dances really, really good. I can't even describe what I felt when I saw him in that performance. Donghae was there, but why did Lay have my eyes on him all the time?

I really can't pinpoint what it is...probably because his innocence got me...or the air of mystery that surrounds him...or maybe I'm just caught off-guard with his bedimpled smile, the way Jungsoo made me fall for him... or maybe he's just freaking awesome & talented & everything...I don't really know.

One thing I'm sure of is that, this wonderful feeling is unexpected. Maybe because mythical creature like a unicorn have the power to make a mere human feel this way.

HASTA LA PROXIMA VES, LEETEUK

“Don’t cry over the empty space that I left… Until the day that we meet again, I won’t let go of your hand… My heart only has you; your heart only has me… Similar sentiments, the proof of our love… The same sky, different place… We’re separated for now, for this instant, something to never forget… Please remember…”-ONLY U by Super Junior

Army enlistment.

An inevitable thing that happens to any Korean man, idol or not. But unlike for ordinary men, parting with an idol is hard to do. Ordinary men would only leave behind their families, friends, a girlfriend or a fiancée, even a wife & their children… people whom he knew for sure will be there once he gets back, waiting. Quite the same thing if a man is a celebrity, especially an idol…only that, it’s twice as much as what a civilian has to say goodbye.

Army enlistment. How ironic that it’s one of the things I’ve encountered during the time I was feeding myself with information regarding my bias. And it was a big issue back then because Kangin just left behind all his activities with Super Junior and went to serve his country as a man of Korea should do. So it came to me as no surprise that Leeteuk will soon enlist for I am very perceptive of it from the very beginning.

Two years.

It’s the mandatory time a man should at least serve his country & countrymen. That’s also how long since Leeteuk’s been my bias and read about his “army enlistment”. Although I’m aware that it’ll happen, I was secretly hoping that it won’t. In that span of time, I was relieved that it didn’t come sooner than I was expecting it to be. It even came to a point where I almost forgot about it and continued living happily with the thought that my bias won’t leave me. I feel safe thinking about it. Until Heechul, my 2nd favorite, enlisted for the army that I knew I was gravely mistaken.

I was shocked when I got the news of Heechul’s enlistment through a text message of a dear friend. I was going home from work then and I have made myself look like a fool for crying in a public transportation. But I don’t really give a damn about it, I only care about the pain I was feeling at that moment and the realization that hit me like stray bullet. It was Jungsoo’s turn to enlist. And this time, there won’t be any delusional thoughts of him not leaving… for this time, it’s real.

Yes, I became depressed after Heechul’s enlistment knowing that Leeteuk might follow but then I came to realize that it has to be done. And I have reminded myself that I knew about it from the start… that everything that has to do with him was part of the package after my heart chose him as my Super Junior bias. Plus the fact that he was very vocal about its possibilities on his interviews, even before Heechul enlisted. So the depression I felt was then turned into happiness. Or it’s more of a consolation on my part as a fan. For I have presumed that with him serving in the army, there’ll be less expenses for him. No more merchandise sold by his fan sites… no more support projects for him and his shows… and no more gifts on his birthdays. My savings is I’m free! For some time, I felt contented with those comforting thoughts… but all’s good while it lasts.

After a year of Heechul being in the army, news about Jungsoo’s enlistment was getting stronger. He even brought up the topic himself on his interviews. SOON… that’s what he always says. And the sadness I felt before came back; and like a wounded animal seeking for comfort, humans tend to transform his emotions into something else. As for me, it’s hatred. But hate is such a strong word… disappointed, yes, and hurt. It just so happens that during that time, he did something terrible that made us feel that way towards him. And to be honest, the halo was still there but some of the feathers on my wings had fallen. No one can blame us though for we were really offended of what he’d done. So armed with an upset heart, I’m one of those who took the liberty of mocking, teasing, ridiculing, poke fun at him, you name it, on SNS. For months, I kept on doing what I believed would ease the distraught my fan-girl’s heart was feeling. I didn’t even care if I lost lots of my followers on my twitter accounts. But as months pass by, the wound have healed and all that was left was a little scar that will remind me that he’s not perfect. There’s no point making fun of him, it’s tiring. Forgetting is much easier.

With Heechul in the army, I tried to focus my eyes on other members…particularly; Yesung, Donghae & Eunhyuk. But it’s not forgetting what I’m doing; it’s more like a diversion. At the back of my mind, I was thinking that if I’d hate Leeteuk, tried to forget him, and even looking at other men ( EXO & other Kpop idols as well), the pain of seeing him leaving wouldn’t hurt so much. But no… so I went on hiatus. It’s also timely that our contract with the internet provider was coming to an end. Besides, I have to concentrate on my thesis and go back to school for the 2nd semester. I was too absorbed with my own personal issues that I forgot the time. It’s good though, for my heart and my mind had a good rest with issues from the fandom. More importantly, I have recognized that what I did to Jungsoo was a way of preparing myself for the adjustments I have to do once he enlists.

And I’ve realized that I was a coward hiding behind the animosity I was trying to convey… That only death and amnesia can erase memories… That I don’t really want to forget at all, for forgetting him won’t make it any better… That my world won’t end when he enlists… When the moment I found the strength to face my fears came, I log on to my SNS. There’s no turning back now. I believed I was ready for the inevitable. But… the first thing I saw was the confirmation of his enlistment date. October 30, 2012.

Two years. I thought I wouldn’t shed a tear when he’ll announce the exact date that he’ll enlist. I was so wrong. Just thinking about how long I won’t see his face, his smile, his tears…of how long I won’t hear his voice, his weird laugh, his shout… brings tears to my eyes. I know I shouldn’t be crying since I’ve already set in my mind that 2 years isn’t that long but the moment I’ve read the news; I was listening to, his & Donghae’s self-composed song, ONLY U and my tears can’t help but fall. And one of the things I hate in this world is saying goodbye…

Thank you and I’m sorry for everything but you will not hear any goodbyes from me… coz if I’ll say goodbye, it’d only mean it’s over. But it’s not over… our journey has only begun its new chapter for SJ & ELF’s history together. And like what I’ve said when Heechul enlisted… “Life must go on but along with moving on is holding on to the promise we made, not just to Heechul but to all of the members of Super Junior who left… who temporarily leave for the army and to those who will leave sooner or later to serve his country in the future. And when that happens, we are stronger… stronger and better than what we are now. Because, if SUPER JUNIOR’s the LAST MAN STANDING, ELF will be the LAST FANDOM STANDING.”

We will be waiting. Always. Forever. No goodbyes, Leeteuk…but rather… until we see each other again.

THE WORLD DOESN’T CONSIST OF JUST ONE COLOR

“People throw rocks at things that shine.”

We have made a promise to fill the world with sapphire blue balloons… that we’ll show the boys a perfect sapphire blue ocean, but we broke that pledge. And it’s so damn ironic that we were doing it in front of the boys themselves. It was like inflicting and licking a wound that won’t seem to heal.

Black ocean.

I don’t know if it’s because Zhoumi & Henry were already in SJ when I joined the fandom that it was easy for me to accept them as members or it’s just that it wasn't really a big deal for me if a 13 boy band would be 15. Maybe it’s both. And there’s always a saying that “The more, the merrier.” But I know that some don’t have the same perception as I am and I can’t blame them if they think like that coz they’ve been there since first day.

But...I can think of many reasons why they won’t accept (until now) HenMi, the same as, I can come up with more reasons why they should. And one thing is for sure, those people are afraid… afraid of the ghosts they created themselves.

Black ocean.

What the fandom doesn’t realize is… The downfall of SJ won’t be because of Leeteuk or Heechul or any of the members or the group themselves but because of us, ELF. Coz we’ve created, and still creating our very own enemies… it’s our fear of being overshadowed. It’s our narrow mindedness of accepting things and facts that’s inevitable. And most of all, our very own attitude. It’s high time for us, ELF, to face the truth that younger and more talented generations of idols are coming our way.

If we had let the dreams of Super Junior came true and let their light shine the whole world, why can’t we do it to EXO their label mates (& non-label mates, as well)?

Black ocean.

I can be a BlackJack..I can be a VIP..I can be a KissMe..I can be a SONE...and I can stan other idols whenever I want to..coz no matter how we try to view the world in just one color,we can’t. There will always be little specks of red,orange,yellow,green,black,white,pink,etc…for the world doesn't consists of just one color. But at the end of the day, we’ll always come back to the one…our favorite hue..

It’s like going out with your friends just to hang out and have some fun but then coming home to your family to spend some quality time together.

And I take my hat off to those ELF people who are brave enough to stand up for what they like & what they believe in. And for those filthy hypocrites who denies liking other idol groups and hiding themselves behind bashers’ masks, well then, keep on hating. We won’t stoop down to your level, it’s dirty down there. :)

Surprise, Surprise!

"I've been around a long time, and life still has a whole lot of surprises for me. "- Loretta Lyn 

I've been away from social networking sites for weeks. Half of the reason for this was because I am too lazy to open my laptop and go online. Half of it was that I was busy cleaning the house...that goes for being an OC that I am. FML! I don't even have news and updates from my friends. And I suffered severe back ache & body pains. Jeez~ but I'm not really complaining coz I found something out of the pile of junks all over the house.

This.

[Translation] LEETEUK (Leader), EUNHYUK, SUNGMIN, DONGHAE, SHINDONG (fat), HEECHUL ( the one dancing in Seoul Song), HANGENG (Chinese), GYUHUN (crushie), RYEOWOOK (crushie), SIWON (ugly!), KIBUM, KANGIN (chubby), YESUNG (ugly!)

I was sorting out junks from good stuffs when I found this on my file cabinet which contains school stuffs & personal belongings. I don't remember putting it there and even when I did wrote that. I was too surprise for what I have written that I burst out laughing when my youngest sister barge into the room when I was thinking aloud "Kailan ko naging crush si Kyuhyun at Ryeowook?" (" When did I have a crush on Kyuhyun & Ryeowook?"). She throw me weird look and said, "Nung Sorry, Sorry! Sila lang kilala mo nun tanga!" ("During Sorry, Sorry! They're the only one you knew, stupid!"). I was too busy recalling that day that I let her off from calling me stupid XD. I remember that it was really the two I got to know and notice first but I can't remember I labeled them as my "crushes". Maybe my sis was right. LOL

To add to my stupidity, I even mistook Heechul as the one dancing in Seoul Song MV when it was Donghae who did. Then I called Siwon ugly (although I don't really find him that handsome until now... tall & above average than the rest of SJ but handsome? Not much...sorry Siwonests >_<). And above of it all, I also called Yesung ugly when he's actually my 3rd fave and currently my wallpaper. Oh the irony! And fail me XDDD. Oh well, at least, I got Hangeng and Leeteuk right. Shindong and Kangin too (but they've changed a lot especially Donghee...he's really hot now XD ).

I wonder if there's any more surprises in store for me the next time I clean the whole house...

Define “Super Man”

Who is the real Superman? Is he the macho man clad in tight pants and skimpy briefs with a cape on his back? Is he your friendly neighbor just waiting to save the day?

Maybe yes… maybe not…

He can be your father… Your brother or your best guy pal… or…

He can be a man who acts like a kid and lights up your day with his sweet dimpled smile…

He can be a cold man to others but when it comes to the person he cares so much, he’ll warm up…

He can be a man who don’t understand your language yet shows you he does with every move he makes…

He can be the weirdest guy that walked over the Earth but watches over you before you go to sleep just to know you’re safe…

He can be a formidable guy but knows when to soften up just to see you smile…

He can be fat for all you care ‘coz deep down inside of him, he’s the strongest person you’ve ever seen…

He can be just cute and cuddly who could get away  with everything, but yet, he’s man enough to know the word “responsibility”…

He can be the “ugliest person”, a “monkey personified”, or the greatest  ”cry-baby”; but in your eyes, he’s a jewel waiting and worthy for the world to see…

He can just be a simple guy who values love, friendship and family more than his own life… a good son and a loyal friend… a prince charming…

He can be a man true to his devotion in God… a man who is almost perfect in everybody’s eyes yet he knows he’s imperfect… a humble man…

He can be the guy who hides away his doubts and fears yet shows you his big, bright smile to assure you that everything’s gonna be alright…

He may act like a dork, be adorable and fluffy at all times, but he knows when to be serious if the situation needed to… a sign of professionalism…

He can be the “devil incarnate” or a “game addicted” kid every time but at the end of the day, he’s the sweetest person who believes in “love at first sight” and “destiny” that typical men’s allergic with…

“Superman” can be any of these strangers, or it can be all of them. Yes, they are merely strangers, yet these strangers did more than a hero could do.

A real superman don’t need to have superhuman powers or flashy costumes and high-tech gadgets to save other people’s lives. A real superman just need to be his true self. A man who’s never afraid to cry. A man whose smile and laughter can bring joy to others. A man who has a big heart who can love the whole world. A man who unknowingly saved and still saving  someone else’s soul just by being true.

These “Superman” were not products of a comic magazine nor a cartoonist imagination. They are real. And they are conquering the world, saving everyone’s life with their charms and music. 

FOREVER STARTS FROM NOW

“There will always be faces that you can never look at and names you can never hear spoken without feeling any kind of emotions…just when you think you’re about to give up, you’ll remember all the reasons why you held on so long.”-AngeLuvJen

January 11, 2012. My tweetdeck was so noisy…updates everywhere…why? It’s the day which Super Junior & ELF were all waiting for… judgement day for the hardwork, efforts put into & money wasted ever since SJ’s comeback.

But everything was worth it…more than worth it.

And seeing them with that teary eyes but with big smile on their faces… every ELF sacrifices were compensated.

No more tears of sorrow were shed…only tears of joy can be seen on everybody’s faces. World ELF, though miles and miles apart from each other, held hands and rejoicing at this moment.

January 11, 2012. A new chapter in the history of Super Junior and ELF has been written. The Golden Disk’s “Daesang Award” was back in our hands again. The prize was given to the people who deserves it more than anybody else.

Now, we are back on page # 1. A new beginning. A new chapter. A new history will soon begin.

6 YEARS & STILL COUNTING

행복 6th 주년 슈퍼주니어!!!

SS3 3D: SEIZE THE MOMENT

“If you have the chance to take the moment that you know will be memorable, GRAB IT! Always think that the word ‘NEXT TIME’ is always too far.”

I’ve watched Super Show 3 Manila in Araneta last February 26,2011. I’m seated on Upper Box B along with a dear friend but even if we were far away from the stage, the feeling of just being inside the dome with the boys and other ELF’s so overwhelming. When it ended, I really wished it happen again and so it did…SMe announced the showing of SS3 3D in Seoul back in February. Netizens from all over the globe gone crazy hoping their countries could have it too.

We, Philippine ELFs,  have given the opportunity to see THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH. Remember that SS3 3D was only shown in Korea,Japan,Taiwan & Singapore. And for a third world country that we are, we are damn lucky that we are included in the list now. Let us show the world that we are worthy of it. That ELF from Philippines are here for Super Junior.

I know some were saying we keep on telling everybody to watch SS3 3D to have SS4 Manila and it was selfishness on our part. That they don’t have that money to be able to watch it and so on and so forth. True, we keep on promoting it not because the producers asked us to but because we are ELF. That reason alone is more important than anything else. And yes, it’s true that we want SS4 Manila to happen so we keep on reminding everybody to watch SS3 3D. But it wasn’t selfishness on our part. Is it selfishness when one wants to help the SS3 3D in Manila successful for us to be able to have SS4? The producers said it themselves that SS3 3D sales is one of the gauge for SS4 Manila. The sales of SS3 3D will be included in the funds for SS4. Now, is that what you call selfishness? It’s just damn funny how those people keep reacting over the promotions of fanbases for SS3 3d when they are the one who’s so eager to have SS4 Manila.

SEIZE THE MOMENT now that we still have it, coz believe me, it is ALL WORTH IT. The feeling of watching the real concert from that in cinema is different especially if you were seated in General Admission or Upper Box areas. SS3 3D will take you on the VIP SEAT!You definitely don’t want to miss it. 

MANTRA

“How can you believe int the word “BELIEVE” when there’s “LIE” in the center? When there’s “END” at the end of every “FRIEND“? And “OVER” in every “LOVER“?”

Then take this following words in you heart and mind…like a prayer… an incantation… a meditation…a MANTRA. Repeat it over and over again, and you’ll see everything will get better. Maybe not now… but atleast by doing this pledge, we all have one mind set. And that’s what matters.

I pledge thee…

LET’S FACE IT

“When you find the courage to stand up for someone, would be the moment you understand love.”

True. But…

It’s so hard defending the one you love when nobody seem to listen…

It’s so hard pretending you don’t feel any hate when your own body & mind screams anger…

It’s so hard trying not to let your tears fall from your own eyes when every time you see their hardships and all, the company they serve their whole life with don’t give a damn anymore…

They suffer too much… lose a member along the way… lose a big award for a stupid reason when we all know for a fact that they deserve it… 2 members went to serve his country… another one will go… and yet still standing amidst all of this.

I know it’s not SNSD’s fault but SONEs can’t blame ELFs if a fanwar starts again. If there is someone to blame here, it’s the company they serve. The unfairness and favoritism.

Let’s face it. If there is one idol group under SME who brings lots of profits in the company, that would be Super Junior. So please don’t take us for a fool. We are sick & tired of it. Don’t let the remaining gratitude & respect we have for bringing SJ into the KPop world vanish because of this crap.

SECOND BEST… BUT STILL THE BEST

He’s the only member of Super Junior who managed to always make me think twice about choosing Jungsoo as my bias. Sure, Yesung, Sungmin & the EunHae couple managed to do that too but this four have certain places in my bias list and they don’t bother my feelings unlike what this particular member was doing. He’s creating havoc in my system to the point where I was asking myself “If by chance that I saw him first instead of Leeteuk, would he be on the top spot?” I bet he will… coz if not, I wouldn’t be asking myself that question and it would be hypocrisy on my part if I won’t admit that I, too, like that beautiful human being.

He was misunderstood for his actions. He was loathed for his personality. He was envied for his feminine-like beauty. All of this negativity was because of his unique character. But why judge a person whom you don’t personally know and just based it on what you are seeing? He may be different from the rest of the artist his age but this same reason made him stood out from the rest. His name is…

KIM HEECHUL

He’s a good hyung to his dongsaengs although it’s not obvious. He’s a good dongsaeng to his only hyung, Jungsoo. He’s a very good friend to his league, the Chocoball. He’s a good master to his pets. And most importantly, he’s the Universal Space Big Star of Petals all around the world. A multi-talented person worthy of love and respect… if only other people see beyond what he portrays.

My respect for him as a person goes beyond from being a fan. He may be second best to Leeteuk from my fangirl point of view but still he’s the best. He’s never afraid to voice out what he feels even if the consequences of what he will say or do would affect his status as an idol. He’s the kind of person who’s transparent to his feelings even if this transparency makes him look like the grumpy & moody kind of guy. But this certain character proves that he has a pure heart… why? When he’s hurt or feeling down, he’ll shut out the world and let himself heal from the pain his feeling… but when he can’t take it anymore, he’ll shed his rare tears and you’ll know it’s pure. The tears of a strong person are the purest of all coz it comes from his heart. He may come out as a vulnerable person when he did but it only shows he’s only human capable of feeling hurt. And when Heechul show the world his smile, you’ll know its sincere coz it’s rare to see him smile.

THE MILKY WHITE SKIN NINJA

He’s one of the few people I know who’s loved and hated at the same time but this only make him more popular and respected in the industry. And now that he’s going to enter the military to serve his country, I will miss him terribly. His PETALS (Undead or not) too… and all ELF around the world. No more out of this world antics & gags on stage. No more smirk with intense stare. No more Lady HeeHee. No more random posts from @Heedictator. But two years isn’t that long. And even though Heechul said that we should not wait for him, we will all wait. Every ELF & Petal will.

Life must go on but along with moving on is holding on to the promise we made, not just to Heechul but to all of the members of Super Junior who left… who temporarily leave for the army and to those who will leave to serve his country in the future. And when that happens, we are stronger… stronger and better than what we are now.

“Mr.Simple” is to “Less is More”

“Less is more.” This is a philosophy in Architecture wherein the simplicity of a structure is much appreciated and well recognized. And seeing the MV of Super Junior’s “Mr.Simple} earlier today, I can’t help but associate it to the MV.

The simplicity of the MV speaks volume.

I feel like looking at a beautiful structure painted in monochromatic hue. Clean & regal.Although the album concept was grand & colorful, the MV was far from it. It’s simple. Just black & white. And even if other fans says it’s somewhat “recycled”, we can’t deny the fact that Super Junior really do look GOOD & effortlessly HOT  in Black & White concepts.

If SMe used the concept of the album cover itself, do you think it will turn out the way it did now? I don’t think so… coz if the MV was in colorful mood, we won’t be able to focus our eyes on the boys themselves. Our eyes will always be caught on the vibrant atmosphere of the video if SMe put the album concept to life. Right?

The simplicity of the MV makes it more appealing to the eye of fan & non- fan themselves. And I bet my life, all ELF around the world keep replaying the MV! Just like what I am doing right now 

PARA SA’YO…BASAHIN MO!

Hindi ginawa ang fanbase para sa pansariling interes lang ng kung sino mang gumawa nito. Ginawa ang fanbase para TUMULONG sa mga fans ng mga idol group na mahal nilang pare-pareho. Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan may mga naninira sa mga fanbase imbes na suportahan. Ang nakakalungkot pa, kapwa kababayan mo ang naninira. Mabuti pa ang mga taong hindi mo kalahi, yun pa yung walang sawa at handang suportahan ang mga projects ng fanbase mo. Kahit na gusto mo silang pasalihin sa projects ng fanbase mo, hindi pwede. Bakit? Para saan pa ang paglagay ng PH o Philippines sa pangalan ng fanbase mo kung ganoon din lang naman? Kaya nga may PH o Philippines dahil priority ka ng fanbase mo! Isang pribilehiyo, isang pagpapahalaga sa’yo na kahit kailan hindi yata sumagi sa isip mo.

Hindi ginawa ang fanbase para magspam ng pictures at facts tungkol sa idol group na gusto mo. Oo, importante ang mga yun sa isang fanbase o fandom para malaman ng mga kapwa fans ang mga dapat nilang malaman at gusto nilang makita. Pero hindi ba dapat kung fan ka, bago ka sumali sa fandom e alam mo kahit papaano ang mga bagay na dapat mong malaman sa mga idol group na gusto mo. Pero sa nakikita ko, hindi. Ano pa’t sinabi mong fan ka kung kahit tunay nilang pangalan at birthday o blood type nila ay di mo alam at kailangan pang sabihin sa’yo ng mga fanbase para pumasok sa kukote mo? Hindi ba dapat kusa mong inaalam ang lahat o kung hindi man, kahit mga simpleng bagay lang tungkol sa kanila? Ganoon kasi dapat…ganoon ang tama!

Hindi ginawa ang fanbase para manikil o mangulimbat ng pera at manloko ng kapwa fan. Oo, may mga projects ang fanbase na kailangan ng pera. Kailangan yun e! Pero hindi ibig sabihin nun na pinipilit ka nilang magbigay… hindi yun pilitan dahil kahit ang mga namumuno sa isang fanbase, alam ang sitwasyon ng kapwa nila fan. Mahirap ang buhay lalo na dito sa bansa natin. Ang gusto lang naman nila e konting tulong. Kung ano ang kayang ibigay, moral man o pinansyal, malaking bagay na yun para sa fanbase. Yun ang hindi naiisip ng ibang fans, na hindi ko alam kung makitid lang talaga ang utak o sadyang tanga lang.

Hindi ginawa ang fanbase para maging front ng isang negosyong pansarili.Madaming ganito, lalo na sa facebook. Oo, may mga fanbase na nagbebenta ng mga fangoods at merchandise. Pero hindi lahat! At hindi para sa sarili nila kundi para sa fanbase mismo. Pondo. Hindi naman tatakbo ng mabuti ang isang samahan kung wala silang pondong magagamit para sa proyekto nila na ikaw din ang makikinabang sa huli. Yung mga online stores na nagtatago sa likod ng “fanbase”, hindi ko alam kung sasaludo ba ako sa pagiging maabilidad nila o mapapailing sa pagiging oportunista. Nakakalungkot lang na karamihan sa mga tumatangkilik dito ay pulos baguhang fan. Mga inosenteng kabataan na naaakit ng mga bagsak presyong produkto. Kung sana’y ang mga pinambili nilang pera sa mga bagay na ito ay inilaan na lang nila sa mga importanteng bagay katulad ng fanprojects o kaya’y albums na counted sa music charts ng Korea e di sana’y nakatulong pa sila.

Seryosong gawain ang pagtatag ng fanbase! Hindi to lokohan! Akala ng nakararami, ginawa ito para magspam ng pictures; magpalaro ng kung ano-anong games na ang premyo ay pic spam din; at magspam ng facts na matagal ng alam ng fans. Paulit-ulit na lang, walang bago…nakakasawa na. Ginawa ang fanbase para tumulong sa fandom! Ginawa ang fanbase para maging daan sa idol group na gusto mo! Ginawa ang fanbase bilang pasasalamat, bilang pagbibigay pugay at importansya sa idol group na pare-parehong nyong mahal! Ginawa ang fanbase para sa’yo!

Kaunting pabor na nga lang ang hinihinging kapalit ng fanbase sa’yo, hindi mo pa maibigay. Konting tulong. Konting suporta. Pero anong ginagawa mo? Naninira ka. Sa tingin mo ba, matutulungan ka ng facts at picture spam para maiparating sa idol group na gusto mo ang gusto mong iparating? Hindi! Anong alam mo? Anong karapatan mong manira kung kahit konti wala ka pang naibibigay na tulong? Wala kang alam. At lalong wala kang karapatan. Dahil hindi ikaw ang walang sawang nagpupuyat at nagtyayagang maghintay , mangalap at magtranslate ng impormasyon at balita. Hindi ikaw ang walang sawang mag-isip ng projects para maipakita mo sa idol group na gusto mo na meron silang fanbase sa bansa mo. Hindi naman ikaw ang nagtatrabaho ng halos 24/7 na walang hinihintay na sweldo kinsenas katapusan. At lalong hindi ikaw ang naglalabas ng malaking halaga galing sa sarili mong bulsa mapunan lang ang kakulangan ng fanbase na dapat ikaw ang isa sa mga gumagawa.

Konting tulong. Konting suporta. Konting pasasalamat. Konting pagkilala. Kahit isa lang sa mga ito. Yun lang ang hinihinging kapalit. Yun lang. Pero ano? WALA. Kaya wag kang magtataka kung isang araw, mawalang lahat bigla ang mga fanbase dito sa Pinas dahil sa pinaggagagawa mo. Hindi mo sila masisisi dahil wala silang kasalanan. Ginagawa nila ang lahat para sa’yo! Pero anong isinusukli mo? Paninira sa mga projects nila na para sa’yo din naman at sa mismong fanbase na kasapi ka! Ikaw ang may sala kung magsawa man silang tumulong at umintindi sa’yo. At kanino ka tatakbo? Dun sa mga “fanbase” na puro facts at pic spam? Nagpapatawa ka yata?!?

Hindi naman ang fanbase ang mawawalan kundi ikaw. Dahil hindi mo binigyang importansya ang pribilehiyong pinagkaloob nila sa’yo. Ang fanbase kapag nawala pwedeng bumalik at lalong maging mas matatag, pero ikaw? Wala ka ng babalikan pa! Dahil sa mga walang kapararakang bagay na ginawa mo, ikaw mismo ang nag-alis sa sarili mo. Nakakaawa ka naman…para kang isang batang iniligaw ang sarili’t nalayo sa magulang dahil sa katigasan ng ulo… hindi na alam ang daan pabalik kaya’t iiyak na lang.

Kung naalis ang agiw sa utak mo dahil sa mga nabasa mo, maraming salamat. Kung hindi, salamat pa rin dahil pinansin mo ako. Naiparating ko sa’yo ang dapat kong iparating. At kung balak mong salungatin ang pinagsasabi ko dito, ikaw ang bahala. Panalo pa rin naman ako at ikaw ay mananatiling talunan dahil isa lang ang ibig sabihin no’n, nagkaroon ka ng pakialam… tinamaan ka. Bahala ka kung anong gusto mong gawin at sabihin laban sakin, laban dito. Hindi ko hawak ang pagiisip mo. Pero sana’y naantig ang puso mo kahit papaano. Alam kong hindi ka bato, may pag-asa ka pa… sana’y balang araw matauhan ka. Dahil kung hindi’y magiging huli na ang lahat para sa’yo. Hindi mo na maibabalik ang lahat sa dati at ang pagsisisi ay habang buhay mong dadalhin sa konsensya mo.

A DREAM… SOON TO BE REALITY…

9:00 in the morning, I suddenly woke up… and the first thing I saw when I open my eyes was Leeteuk’s face. I always have this big picture of him posted on my bedroom wall and every night, before I went to sleep, I’ll look at it and said goodnight. Weird, right? Oh well, what would you expect from a bias or a SuJu fan like myself? ^^

I don’t know why this morning felt different. I grab my cellphone and start to play a song that I just got from my sister yesterday. It was Parokya ni Edgar’s (a legendary OPM band) Pangarap Lang Kita featuring Ms. Happee Sy’s (now Mrs. Vernon Go^^) voice, she’s the producer of Super Show here in Manila. I was listening to the song while looking at Teuk’s face and a favorite line from one of my favorite local paperback romance writer kept ringing inside my head. She wrote this quote on one of her novels which is about a girl who fell in love with one of the members of a rock band. The friend of the girl said this line to her: “Hindi ka kayang mahalin ng isang pangarap lang…” (“A dream can’t love you back…”). With the words ringing in my head and the song playing over and over again in the background plus the face of the man my heart beats for staring back at me, train of thoughts suddenly filled my head.

I know for a fact that he can’t like or love me back for many reasons my mind could think of. One, I’m just one of his millions of fans. Two, I’m here in my own country and he’s in Korea. And even if I live in the same place as his, will there be a possibility that he will notice me from so many girls around him? Three, I know I’m beautiful in my own way but I don’t think I’m his type of girl. So on and so forth. But like I always tell to myself, “There’s no harm in dreaming.” So I kept on dreaming even if reality was already in front of me, biting me like a snake. Until this morning, my mind flashed this in front of me… I WANT TO SEE HIM, PERSONALLY. Why?

I want to see him, personally, not because I want to seduce (LOL) him into liking me back. Or stalk him like a fan should do to their idol. I just want to see him because I want to know if what I feel for him is real. I want to know if my heart will beat so hard like the way it always did whenever I see his face on t.v. or pictures. I WANT TO KNOW IF WHAT I FEEL IS REAL. I may sound like a delusional fan, but I know the score. I am not. I just want to be free from the aching but wonderful feeling that envelopes my whole being ever since I started to notice him. I want to fall in love with a real man, not that I’m saying he’s not real or anything.  A real man whose going to love me back and accept me for who I am. A real man whom I can spend my whole life with and I can touch and feel his warmth. Do you get what I mean?

I don’t when I’ll be able to see him personally. Maybe next year, before he enlist the army or maybe after two to three years, when he goes out of the army. I don’t really know. Only time will tell but one thing I’m sure is that I’m really going to see him even if it takes years before that happen. I still have to finish my studies and work for a living so I can save money for travelling abroad. I still have to prioritize my career and family. Love can wait. For now, dreaming of him is the only way to cope up with what I am feeling right now.

A dream can’t love me back, I know. But just like what the heroine in the novel I’ve read, I can always make my dream possible. Who knows, when the time comes I finally go to his place, a miracle might happen? Maybe the dream will stay a dream and then I’ll move on with my life…or maybe it will turn into a reality…just maybe…