Into Your World

All along, I thought, Super Junior songs, especially their ballad ones, can moved me. But I was wrong...

It was hard. It was unexpected. And I found myself crying over it... the words, the melody... it was just too beautiful...

All along, I thought, Super Junior songs' the only one that can motivate the writer in me to make a fanfic... But I was wrong...

It was a coincidence. It was inevitable. And I found myself reading the new plot I have made in the middle of the night just to be sure I wasn't dreaming...

I wasn't... it was fitting... it was like the song was the fic's OST...and I realized, I was crying...

Tears just can't help but fall probably because the fic I was planning on posting after I'm done with the Donghae lead fic was Lay's story... and I'm just so overwhelmed with emotions I can't explain because it was like the song was made for it...

I was done with the plot, the characters, the genre...everything... when I found the song on youtube as I was writing my on-going fic... I was out of words...of ideas... & I decided to watch EXO perfs to kill time... hoping to get my mind on track... and switching to Youtube that moment was the best random thing I've done that time... or else I wouldn't get to find this...

It was one of the best ballad song I've heard in my life... not because it was EXO or Kpop... not just because hearing Lay's voice was too precious... not just because Chen blown me away with his vocal prowess... or Luhan's... or Xiumins'... but because the song was simply beautiful.

Beautiful wasn't even the right word to describe it... no perfect words can describe how I felt when I heard it & learned the lyrics...the meaning of the song. Addicted? Yes... I was drawn into their world.

And I just can't get over the goosebumps. I would have to play it over and over again.

OF SJ, BEAMS, ROOF & COLUMNS

Drawing. A skill. A hobby. A passion.

Ever since I was a child, it was the only thing I could do. As far as I can recall, I have a big supply of crayons, pencils & papers; even colored chalk and a black board. When I was in kindergarten, I was part of a national drawing competition for youngsters. I can’t exactly bring to mind how did that happen but I think my parents got me into it. I remember that incident where my father was training me even if there’s no power supply due to nationwide crisis. We literally burned the midnight oil just so I could secure a place and luckily I think the sacrifice paid off. I can’t recollect if I won the grand prize but if I’ll base it on the medal in the storage box and the big trophy I was holding in my childhood pictures, I think I did. The trophy wasn't in my possession though; my teacher brought it in her home according to my mother.

What did I draw back then? It was a house. A native house... a nipa hut (bahay kubo) to be exact, with all the fruits & vegetables that comes with it.

It was not my intention to take up Architecture, not until I was in high school. Whenever somebody ask me what I want to be when I grew up, I always tell them I want to be a Fashion Designer. Probably because when I was a child, I love playing with dolls, dressing them up & everything. But a person changes his/her mind as he/she grows up. I grew up. I didn't play with dolls anymore. Television became my playmate and watching cartoons & animes has been my past time (until now XD). And slam book has been a big part of a student, both elementary & high school, life. In the part where they’ll ask you what you want to take up, I find myself writing Fine Arts every time.

I was a big, big fan of anime and I was always imagining myself creating those characters. I even have a portfolio of my drawings of Dragon Ball, Sailor Moon, Ghost Fighter, Flame of Recca, Card Captor Sakura, Hunter X Hunter, Slam Dunk & other famous series that grazed the Philippine television back then. My portfolio was gone now coz I gave it to my nephew, but if I have spare time, I draw on my sketchpad.

I was entering my last year in highschool when we were told that we have a new subject. Although I did take that up when I was a highschool freshman in a special science highschool, I never really did take it seriously. But I have learned a lot from it that I used it as a tool when we were told that we have a Drafting subject. I was deeply immersed on it... maybe because our instructor was really good or maybe because it’s still drawing; the one thing that I really love doing. Then one day, my teacher approached me while we were working on a simple floor plan. He suddenly asked what will I take up in college and I said, “Architecture”. It was sudden but I feel so sure when I blurted it out. And when I look up to my teacher, he was smiling and said that I’ll be good in it.

It was one of the reasons why when I take up college entrance exams from different universities, Architecture was always my first choice. Although I failed to make it in UP due to the fact that it’s a quota course and I didn't even tried in UST coz of its high tuition, I did make it to TUP & PUP. But I chose PUP coz it’s economical. And Architecture is an expensive course with all the drawing materials needed for it and enrolling in a state university is practical.

Architecture is a 5 year course with a board exam after 2 years of working experience when you graduate. I thought it was easy, that my college life’s smooth sailing. But I was wrong. It took me 8 years to finish it. My family & friends blame it all to one thing. My distraction. Super Junior. But I never did, not even once. What they don’t understand is that SJ’s my savior... the driving force that will finally made me join the coming mid-year graduation.

Super Junior debuted in November 2005; I was in my 2^nd semester as a college freshman. I was not yet a fan. Even when 2006 came, as far as I can remember, I was still a fan of JPop (Arashi to be exact) & F4 of Taiwan was dominating the country like crazy. Then 2007 came. Although I’m still not yet a fan, it was the turning point of my college life. I failed the Architecture Qualifying Exam, an exam that will determine if a student should pursue the studies in the next year. It was like my dreams were shattered into pieces and I thought that I can’t be an Architect anymore. I cried... my friends cried coz we all thought it’s the end of the world. Fortunately, all those who failed will still be accommodated with the condition that he/she’s on probation and no more block section.

2008. I was separated from my blockmates/friends. I was always alone. I was more shy than I used to be. I don’t mingle much with my new classmates. I feel like an outcast. I find comfort watching music shows on cable channels. It was there that I saw this group in an MV. I don’t know their name but one thing that caught my attention, aside from the cute video, was that they are so many. And the song was spreading a happy mood. Then I saw them again in another music video, a very different one from the first I saw them with.

Whenever a fellow fan asks me how I became a Super Junior fan, I always tell them that it was through Neorago(It’s You) MV back in 2009. Although I first saw them in Haengbok (Happiness) MV then Don Don, I wasn't really into them as I've already explained in one of my entries. It was really the following year, the time they were slowly being recognized worldwide, that I can call myself a fan. And it was also the time I was starting to pick up the pieces of my college life. I started opening up & making friends with my new block mates. And I was back where I came from... I reunited with my former original blockmates. My 4^th year was a blast.

All along I thought it’s going to be the same the next year, but 2010 was not. It’s our final year and it only meant one thing, THESIS. I manage to come up with a proposal and luckily I somehow passed the 1^st deliberation during the 1^st semester. But I failed on the 2^nd semester and with that I became an irregular student. I won’t be able to graduate on time and that I have to spend another year for my thesis subject. That feeling I felt when I failed the AQE in 2007, came back all over again. I was depressed plus the fact that something came up in the family. 

That dreadful feeling that I won't be able to do the only thing that I love... that I'm good at... I feel like dying. It's like my breath was being sucked from me. And Super Junior was my escape from reality. I found comfort in their music even though I don’t understand any words their saying. And that’s when I knew I became not just a fan but an Ever Lasting Friend... an ELF.

2011. I have lost my desire... my dream of becoming an architect. I was so immersed in the fandom. Probably because I was new and it was the first for me, I’d spent almost 24/7 talking to fellow ELFs. But I was still attending classes for the 2^nd semester of my thesis subject just for the heck of it. My parents thought I was working on my project whenever I use my computer but I’m not. I have plenty of alibis whenever they asked what I’m doing and I’m not proud of it. My friends were disappointed to the point that they were scolding me to the core and I have to cut my communications to them. When my parents and friends found out what I’m into, they blame Super Junior for what I have become. But I never did. If there’s someone to blame, it was me.

For a year, it was like a tug-of-war between me & my fangirling versus my family & friends. I was distracted, yes, but it’s not the boys fault if I was carried away with the distraction. It’s my decision to be distracted... it was me who “ruined” my life... and although the people around me think otherwise, they have finally accepted the fact that I won’t give up on my new found love. And one of the things that the fandom & the boys taught me is to believe. Believe in myself and not give up easily... believe that miracles can happen and hope really springs eternal...

I found the courage to stand up from where I fell on. I started to pick up the pieces of my life, again. I found my way back to my dream... with the voices of 15 angels guiding me to it. God gave me Super Junior to show me the way back to my goal. It was because of them that I manage to face my ordeal... my last and only chance to fulfill my aspirations in life. It was them who stood by me during my sleepless nights making my floor plans. And if there’s a song that keeps me motivated all throughout those days and nights and all these years, its MIRACLE. The only song that automatically plays inside my head whenever I feel like something good’s happening or about to come. The song of my soul.

And now that I’m going to graduate and start a new chapter in my life where I’ll get to deal with real beams, columns and roofs and not just detailed drawings... I can hear it playing again. Life really couldn't get any better.

The Unexpected U...nicorn

"The only thing that should surprise us is that there are still some things that can surprise us."-Francois de La Rochefoucauld 

Funny how I have to eat my words that I won't like and won't have any other bias from KPop idol groups aside from Super Junior...but life sure is full of surprises.

A year. That's how long I've been away from the fandom & the cyberspace due to studies. I have to cut myself off from all of it to concentrate on my thesis. And probably because I know that there's nothing out there that can hold me back. Heechul's away. Jungsoo too. No reason for me to stay. Or so I thought.

That entire year felt like forever and the only thing that keep me sane was Donghae's face. He was like the only thing that made me stay in the fandom...just joking :) Even though Leeteuk & Heechul were missing coz of their army duties, I will always be an ELF. It's just that I have find myself smitten by Prince Lee Donghae...It was fun though. It never occurred to me that I'll find the other half of my fave otp, irresistible.

He always look good, cute, squishy, you name it...in my eyes, but I didn't paid that much attention to him coz I always see him as the other half of Eunhyuk. The EUNHAE couple. My favorite otp (one true pairing). So I was really having a hard time admitting to myself that I like him more than before. And Yesung was like "Why am I suddenly become your #5?" LOL!

The admission's the hard part but the realization of liking another man from the group isn't. Besides, what's the use of having 15 men in one group if you'll only like one?!? Just like the saying goes, "If the cat's away, the mouse will play." ㅋㅋㅋ So be it. It's the same group I love anyway. But unexpected things really do happen. The year that I was away was also the year another group from SM Entertainment debuted. 

EXO. A 12 member South Korean-Chinese boy band with 2 sub-groups, Exo-M & Exo-K. One man short from Super Junior with 13 members...2 men short from Super Junior with Zhoumi & Henry. Am I rattled?!?No... I'm way passed the stage where a fan should be pissed off with new group/s that'll threaten the status of the band he/she supports. I believe I'm mature enough to accept the fact that younger generations of idol group will come our way. It's how the entertainment industry works anyway, especially the KPop Music Industry.

When EXO has been the talk of the town, or rather the Kpop world, I wasn't really into it. Sure, I accept them wholeheartedly but I never paid attention to what and who are they. My eyes and my heart's glued only to SJ. But one particular event made me notice them for real. I won't elaborate on it..just read here...coz just remembering it makes my blood level high T_T

So yeah, I got curious with the group and then one day I found myself liking a particular member...Oh Sehun. I just found him way too cute with his "bbuing, bbuing" & that tounge of his. But as much as I want to indulge myself with EXO, I can't. Sure, I was searching infos & stuff, but I don't know why I can't seem to memorize or remember even half of what I've read. Even their faces were all blurred. Plus the fact that my thesis is more important than them.

I cut myself off from all of it...again. Thesis deadline was on the way that time & I have to focus. But then Christmas time came and it only meant one thing. Year-end performances from 3 major networks in South Korea. I told myself, "It's vacation so I have all the right to do anything." And so I did...or else  I wouldn't be able to revive my interest on EXO but this time it's not Sehun who caught my attention.

I'm a sucker for bedimpled boys/men... that's why I was blown away when I first saw Jungsoo...I'm very vocal about it right? And I thought it was only Leeteuk that could do that to me...but I was very wrong... The moment I saw the SM Performance unit performed Spectrum on SBS Gayo Daejun, I can't help but follow a certain guy.

Never in my wildest imagination that somebody can make me do what I did when I first saw Leeteuk. All along, I thought he's the first & last man that could make me feel something stir inside my heart. And it's so easy for me to admit to myself that I'm falling each and every day to this particular boy.

Lay. Zhang Yixing.

He's handsome for the lack of the right word to say about his almost perfect profile. He's uber talented. He composes songs. He plays the guitar & the piano. He dances really, really good. I can't even describe what I felt when I saw him in that performance. Donghae was there, but why did Lay have my eyes on him all the time?

I really can't pinpoint what it is...probably because his innocence got me...or the air of mystery that surrounds him...or maybe I'm just caught off-guard with his bedimpled smile, the way Jungsoo made me fall for him... or maybe he's just freaking awesome & talented & everything...I don't really know.

One thing I'm sure of is that, this wonderful feeling is unexpected. Maybe because mythical creature like a unicorn have the power to make a mere human feel this way.

HASTA LA PROXIMA VES, LEETEUK

“Don’t cry over the empty space that I left… Until the day that we meet again, I won’t let go of your hand… My heart only has you; your heart only has me… Similar sentiments, the proof of our love… The same sky, different place… We’re separated for now, for this instant, something to never forget… Please remember…”-ONLY U by Super Junior

Army enlistment.

An inevitable thing that happens to any Korean man, idol or not. But unlike for ordinary men, parting with an idol is hard to do. Ordinary men would only leave behind their families, friends, a girlfriend or a fiancée, even a wife & their children… people whom he knew for sure will be there once he gets back, waiting. Quite the same thing if a man is a celebrity, especially an idol…only that, it’s twice as much as what a civilian has to say goodbye.

Army enlistment. How ironic that it’s one of the things I’ve encountered during the time I was feeding myself with information regarding my bias. And it was a big issue back then because Kangin just left behind all his activities with Super Junior and went to serve his country as a man of Korea should do. So it came to me as no surprise that Leeteuk will soon enlist for I am very perceptive of it from the very beginning.

Two years.

It’s the mandatory time a man should at least serve his country & countrymen. That’s also how long since Leeteuk’s been my bias and read about his “army enlistment”. Although I’m aware that it’ll happen, I was secretly hoping that it won’t. In that span of time, I was relieved that it didn’t come sooner than I was expecting it to be. It even came to a point where I almost forgot about it and continued living happily with the thought that my bias won’t leave me. I feel safe thinking about it. Until Heechul, my 2nd favorite, enlisted for the army that I knew I was gravely mistaken.

I was shocked when I got the news of Heechul’s enlistment through a text message of a dear friend. I was going home from work then and I have made myself look like a fool for crying in a public transportation. But I don’t really give a damn about it, I only care about the pain I was feeling at that moment and the realization that hit me like stray bullet. It was Jungsoo’s turn to enlist. And this time, there won’t be any delusional thoughts of him not leaving… for this time, it’s real.

Yes, I became depressed after Heechul’s enlistment knowing that Leeteuk might follow but then I came to realize that it has to be done. And I have reminded myself that I knew about it from the start… that everything that has to do with him was part of the package after my heart chose him as my Super Junior bias. Plus the fact that he was very vocal about its possibilities on his interviews, even before Heechul enlisted. So the depression I felt was then turned into happiness. Or it’s more of a consolation on my part as a fan. For I have presumed that with him serving in the army, there’ll be less expenses for him. No more merchandise sold by his fan sites… no more support projects for him and his shows… and no more gifts on his birthdays. My savings is I’m free! For some time, I felt contented with those comforting thoughts… but all’s good while it lasts.

After a year of Heechul being in the army, news about Jungsoo’s enlistment was getting stronger. He even brought up the topic himself on his interviews. SOON… that’s what he always says. And the sadness I felt before came back; and like a wounded animal seeking for comfort, humans tend to transform his emotions into something else. As for me, it’s hatred. But hate is such a strong word… disappointed, yes, and hurt. It just so happens that during that time, he did something terrible that made us feel that way towards him. And to be honest, the halo was still there but some of the feathers on my wings had fallen. No one can blame us though for we were really offended of what he’d done. So armed with an upset heart, I’m one of those who took the liberty of mocking, teasing, ridiculing, poke fun at him, you name it, on SNS. For months, I kept on doing what I believed would ease the distraught my fan-girl’s heart was feeling. I didn’t even care if I lost lots of my followers on my twitter accounts. But as months pass by, the wound have healed and all that was left was a little scar that will remind me that he’s not perfect. There’s no point making fun of him, it’s tiring. Forgetting is much easier.

With Heechul in the army, I tried to focus my eyes on other members…particularly; Yesung, Donghae & Eunhyuk. But it’s not forgetting what I’m doing; it’s more like a diversion. At the back of my mind, I was thinking that if I’d hate Leeteuk, tried to forget him, and even looking at other men ( EXO & other Kpop idols as well), the pain of seeing him leaving wouldn’t hurt so much. But no… so I went on hiatus. It’s also timely that our contract with the internet provider was coming to an end. Besides, I have to concentrate on my thesis and go back to school for the 2nd semester. I was too absorbed with my own personal issues that I forgot the time. It’s good though, for my heart and my mind had a good rest with issues from the fandom. More importantly, I have recognized that what I did to Jungsoo was a way of preparing myself for the adjustments I have to do once he enlists.

And I’ve realized that I was a coward hiding behind the animosity I was trying to convey… That only death and amnesia can erase memories… That I don’t really want to forget at all, for forgetting him won’t make it any better… That my world won’t end when he enlists… When the moment I found the strength to face my fears came, I log on to my SNS. There’s no turning back now. I believed I was ready for the inevitable. But… the first thing I saw was the confirmation of his enlistment date. October 30, 2012.

Two years. I thought I wouldn’t shed a tear when he’ll announce the exact date that he’ll enlist. I was so wrong. Just thinking about how long I won’t see his face, his smile, his tears…of how long I won’t hear his voice, his weird laugh, his shout… brings tears to my eyes. I know I shouldn’t be crying since I’ve already set in my mind that 2 years isn’t that long but the moment I’ve read the news; I was listening to, his & Donghae’s self-composed song, ONLY U and my tears can’t help but fall. And one of the things I hate in this world is saying goodbye…

Thank you and I’m sorry for everything but you will not hear any goodbyes from me… coz if I’ll say goodbye, it’d only mean it’s over. But it’s not over… our journey has only begun its new chapter for SJ & ELF’s history together. And like what I’ve said when Heechul enlisted… “Life must go on but along with moving on is holding on to the promise we made, not just to Heechul but to all of the members of Super Junior who left… who temporarily leave for the army and to those who will leave sooner or later to serve his country in the future. And when that happens, we are stronger… stronger and better than what we are now. Because, if SUPER JUNIOR’s the LAST MAN STANDING, ELF will be the LAST FANDOM STANDING.”

We will be waiting. Always. Forever. No goodbyes, Leeteuk…but rather… until we see each other again.

THE WORLD DOESN’T CONSIST OF JUST ONE COLOR

“People throw rocks at things that shine.”

We have made a promise to fill the world with sapphire blue balloons… that we’ll show the boys a perfect sapphire blue ocean, but we broke that pledge. And it’s so damn ironic that we were doing it in front of the boys themselves. It was like inflicting and licking a wound that won’t seem to heal.

Black ocean.

I don’t know if it’s because Zhoumi & Henry were already in SJ when I joined the fandom that it was easy for me to accept them as members or it’s just that it wasn't really a big deal for me if a 13 boy band would be 15. Maybe it’s both. And there’s always a saying that “The more, the merrier.” But I know that some don’t have the same perception as I am and I can’t blame them if they think like that coz they’ve been there since first day.

But...I can think of many reasons why they won’t accept (until now) HenMi, the same as, I can come up with more reasons why they should. And one thing is for sure, those people are afraid… afraid of the ghosts they created themselves.

Black ocean.

What the fandom doesn’t realize is… The downfall of SJ won’t be because of Leeteuk or Heechul or any of the members or the group themselves but because of us, ELF. Coz we’ve created, and still creating our very own enemies… it’s our fear of being overshadowed. It’s our narrow mindedness of accepting things and facts that’s inevitable. And most of all, our very own attitude. It’s high time for us, ELF, to face the truth that younger and more talented generations of idols are coming our way.

If we had let the dreams of Super Junior came true and let their light shine the whole world, why can’t we do it to EXO their label mates (& non-label mates, as well)?

Black ocean.

I can be a BlackJack..I can be a VIP..I can be a KissMe..I can be a SONE...and I can stan other idols whenever I want to..coz no matter how we try to view the world in just one color,we can’t. There will always be little specks of red,orange,yellow,green,black,white,pink,etc…for the world doesn't consists of just one color. But at the end of the day, we’ll always come back to the one…our favorite hue..

It’s like going out with your friends just to hang out and have some fun but then coming home to your family to spend some quality time together.

And I take my hat off to those ELF people who are brave enough to stand up for what they like & what they believe in. And for those filthy hypocrites who denies liking other idol groups and hiding themselves behind bashers’ masks, well then, keep on hating. We won’t stoop down to your level, it’s dirty down there. :)

Surprise, Surprise!

"I've been around a long time, and life still has a whole lot of surprises for me. "- Loretta Lyn 

I've been away from social networking sites for weeks. Half of the reason for this was because I am too lazy to open my laptop and go online. Half of it was that I was busy cleaning the house...that goes for being an OC that I am. FML! I don't even have news and updates from my friends. And I suffered severe back ache & body pains. Jeez~ but I'm not really complaining coz I found something out of the pile of junks all over the house.

This.

[Translation] LEETEUK (Leader), EUNHYUK, SUNGMIN, DONGHAE, SHINDONG (fat), HEECHUL ( the one dancing in Seoul Song), HANGENG (Chinese), GYUHUN (crushie), RYEOWOOK (crushie), SIWON (ugly!), KIBUM, KANGIN (chubby), YESUNG (ugly!)

I was sorting out junks from good stuffs when I found this on my file cabinet which contains school stuffs & personal belongings. I don't remember putting it there and even when I did wrote that. I was too surprise for what I have written that I burst out laughing when my youngest sister barge into the room when I was thinking aloud "Kailan ko naging crush si Kyuhyun at Ryeowook?" (" When did I have a crush on Kyuhyun & Ryeowook?"). She throw me weird look and said, "Nung Sorry, Sorry! Sila lang kilala mo nun tanga!" ("During Sorry, Sorry! They're the only one you knew, stupid!"). I was too busy recalling that day that I let her off from calling me stupid XD. I remember that it was really the two I got to know and notice first but I can't remember I labeled them as my "crushes". Maybe my sis was right. LOL

To add to my stupidity, I even mistook Heechul as the one dancing in Seoul Song MV when it was Donghae who did. Then I called Siwon ugly (although I don't really find him that handsome until now... tall & above average than the rest of SJ but handsome? Not much...sorry Siwonests >_<). And above of it all, I also called Yesung ugly when he's actually my 3rd fave and currently my wallpaper. Oh the irony! And fail me XDDD. Oh well, at least, I got Hangeng and Leeteuk right. Shindong and Kangin too (but they've changed a lot especially Donghee...he's really hot now XD ).

I wonder if there's any more surprises in store for me the next time I clean the whole house...

LOOKING FOR THE DAY

I’m not looking for a man who will shower me with expensive gifts. A book from my favorite author would be enough.

I’m not looking for a man who will take me to a first-class restaurant everyday just for a date. It would mean so much to me if he will take me to a basketball game of my favorite PBA team.

I’m not looking for a man who will dance with me after a candle-lit dinner. Dancing in the rain, arms held up high & laughing to our heart’s content would be nice & fun.

I’m not looking for a man who will bring me to the highest building in town just to see the city lights below the busy Metropolitan streets. If he will take me to a place where I can clearly see the stars scattered beautifully up in the sky & he’s ready to lie beside me for stargazing, I will go with him.

I am looking for a man who will take me as I am… the one who will wipe away my tears with his kisses, even if the cause of it are those of the silliest things.

I am looking for a man who will hug me from the back as if afraid to let me go… the one who’s not afraid to admit that he can’t live a single day without me.

I am looking for a man who will admit at times that I can be stronger than he is… the one who is supportive, understanding & humble, not an egotistical male chauvinist pig.

I am looking for a man who’s brave enough to cry in front of me, much more in front of other people… the one who’s not afraid to show others than he can be weak, that crying means he’s stronger than anybody else.

Most of all, I am looking for  a man who will stand up and fight for what he truly feels… the one who will prove his worth and shows his real intentions to me and my family. He can be a past love, a friend, a colleague. Or perhaps, he can be a stranger from the other end of the world, waiting for us to meet.

And I am looking forward to the day that we’ll cross each other’s paths… maybe someday but not today.