MANTRA

“How can you believe int the word “BELIEVE” when there’s “LIE” in the center? When there’s “END” at the end of every “FRIEND“? And “OVER” in every “LOVER“?”

Then take this following words in you heart and mind…like a prayer… an incantation… a meditation…a MANTRA. Repeat it over and over again, and you’ll see everything will get better. Maybe not now… but atleast by doing this pledge, we all have one mind set. And that’s what matters.

I pledge thee…

LET’S FACE IT

“When you find the courage to stand up for someone, would be the moment you understand love.”

True. But…

It’s so hard defending the one you love when nobody seem to listen…

It’s so hard pretending you don’t feel any hate when your own body & mind screams anger…

It’s so hard trying not to let your tears fall from your own eyes when every time you see their hardships and all, the company they serve their whole life with don’t give a damn anymore…

They suffer too much… lose a member along the way… lose a big award for a stupid reason when we all know for a fact that they deserve it… 2 members went to serve his country… another one will go… and yet still standing amidst all of this.

I know it’s not SNSD’s fault but SONEs can’t blame ELFs if a fanwar starts again. If there is someone to blame here, it’s the company they serve. The unfairness and favoritism.

Let’s face it. If there is one idol group under SME who brings lots of profits in the company, that would be Super Junior. So please don’t take us for a fool. We are sick & tired of it. Don’t let the remaining gratitude & respect we have for bringing SJ into the KPop world vanish because of this crap.

SECOND BEST… BUT STILL THE BEST

He’s the only member of Super Junior who managed to always make me think twice about choosing Jungsoo as my bias. Sure, Yesung, Sungmin & the EunHae couple managed to do that too but this four have certain places in my bias list and they don’t bother my feelings unlike what this particular member was doing. He’s creating havoc in my system to the point where I was asking myself “If by chance that I saw him first instead of Leeteuk, would he be on the top spot?” I bet he will… coz if not, I wouldn’t be asking myself that question and it would be hypocrisy on my part if I won’t admit that I, too, like that beautiful human being.

He was misunderstood for his actions. He was loathed for his personality. He was envied for his feminine-like beauty. All of this negativity was because of his unique character. But why judge a person whom you don’t personally know and just based it on what you are seeing? He may be different from the rest of the artist his age but this same reason made him stood out from the rest. His name is…

KIM HEECHUL

He’s a good hyung to his dongsaengs although it’s not obvious. He’s a good dongsaeng to his only hyung, Jungsoo. He’s a very good friend to his league, the Chocoball. He’s a good master to his pets. And most importantly, he’s the Universal Space Big Star of Petals all around the world. A multi-talented person worthy of love and respect… if only other people see beyond what he portrays.

My respect for him as a person goes beyond from being a fan. He may be second best to Leeteuk from my fangirl point of view but still he’s the best. He’s never afraid to voice out what he feels even if the consequences of what he will say or do would affect his status as an idol. He’s the kind of person who’s transparent to his feelings even if this transparency makes him look like the grumpy & moody kind of guy. But this certain character proves that he has a pure heart… why? When he’s hurt or feeling down, he’ll shut out the world and let himself heal from the pain his feeling… but when he can’t take it anymore, he’ll shed his rare tears and you’ll know it’s pure. The tears of a strong person are the purest of all coz it comes from his heart. He may come out as a vulnerable person when he did but it only shows he’s only human capable of feeling hurt. And when Heechul show the world his smile, you’ll know its sincere coz it’s rare to see him smile.

THE MILKY WHITE SKIN NINJA

He’s one of the few people I know who’s loved and hated at the same time but this only make him more popular and respected in the industry. And now that he’s going to enter the military to serve his country, I will miss him terribly. His PETALS (Undead or not) too… and all ELF around the world. No more out of this world antics & gags on stage. No more smirk with intense stare. No more Lady HeeHee. No more random posts from @Heedictator. But two years isn’t that long. And even though Heechul said that we should not wait for him, we will all wait. Every ELF & Petal will.

Life must go on but along with moving on is holding on to the promise we made, not just to Heechul but to all of the members of Super Junior who left… who temporarily leave for the army and to those who will leave to serve his country in the future. And when that happens, we are stronger… stronger and better than what we are now.

“Mr.Simple” is to “Less is More”

“Less is more.” This is a philosophy in Architecture wherein the simplicity of a structure is much appreciated and well recognized. And seeing the MV of Super Junior’s “Mr.Simple} earlier today, I can’t help but associate it to the MV.

The simplicity of the MV speaks volume.

I feel like looking at a beautiful structure painted in monochromatic hue. Clean & regal.Although the album concept was grand & colorful, the MV was far from it. It’s simple. Just black & white. And even if other fans says it’s somewhat “recycled”, we can’t deny the fact that Super Junior really do look GOOD & effortlessly HOT  in Black & White concepts.

If SMe used the concept of the album cover itself, do you think it will turn out the way it did now? I don’t think so… coz if the MV was in colorful mood, we won’t be able to focus our eyes on the boys themselves. Our eyes will always be caught on the vibrant atmosphere of the video if SMe put the album concept to life. Right?

The simplicity of the MV makes it more appealing to the eye of fan & non- fan themselves. And I bet my life, all ELF around the world keep replaying the MV! Just like what I am doing right now 

AWAKENING

I am the kind of girl who falls in love so easily. That was before… when your own young heart believes in fairy tales, prince charming and most of all, happy endings. But people do change… maturity and reality has taken its toll on me. I’d like to think I become wiser on dealing with problems of the heart while I was growing up but from time to time, we can’t really escape the feeling of being hurt at times. I don’t want to say I become bitter but instead, become wiser… although sometimes, people around me told me I am become one.

Ever since I know the meaning of the word “crush”, it’s been hitting me so fast like a bullet aimed at my heart. But realizing all of it now and being a mature person I like to think that I am, using that word was only meant for young girls. Mine would be “infatuation”… more of admiration… a deeper feeling from crush but a lesser one from love. Only that it hurts much deeper than love because they are special people who happen to be in your life but don’t belong to you. I never did learn any lesson from it from past experiences… one can’t blame a stubborn heart, right? Especially when your mind won’t cooperate with what your heart was saying… it only creates havoc in your whole being and at the end of the day you just give up on arguing with yourself and just give in or people would think you’re going crazy for talking to yourself.

My friends know all about those special people who happened to occupy my heart and mind from the very beginning. From a childhood friend who will never ever know that he was so dear to me because we part ways when he learned the difference between a girl and a boy and abandoned the friendship we had just because he don’t want to play with me anymore. To a neighbor who courted me, only to be deceived from believing that he really liked me when the truth is, he was my best friend’s boyfriend. I lost my first “boyfriend” and I lost my best friend because of a bet but I have forgiven them a long time ago. Then, to several classmates along my school years from elementary to high school… maybe it was really my fault falling for a friend when that friend of yours happened to like one of your best gal pals. I never did learned, really, even when I was in college. The only consolation I keep telling myself whenever I feel nostalgic about it was that at least I experienced the feeling of “falling in love”… unrequited love… that will always be my case.

A close friend would always tell me it’s martyrdom on my part. Giving up when the battle haven’t even started yet… but how can I win from the battle when I know from the very beginning that I will lost in the end? Those special people have already chosen their partners, and that was not me. It may be a dear, dear friend or a colleague or just random person who happens to be more likeable than me. But there are cases in the past that we both feel the same thing or so I like to think. The problem was that I don’t have the guts to say it to him for it would ruin the friendship we had. Or that it’s just a figment of my imagination that what I see from his eyes and the way he cares for me was he liked me too. Or that I’m just a coward. I don’t know and it will always be regret on my part. Every time I think about it, what ifs and maybes are bugging me… and I will never know the answer to all of it. They have move on already and they are all happy. I just wish that someday I can be happy too. After all the heart aches and regret my heart has been to, I somehow didn’t believe in love anymore. Call it bitterness or cynical, I won’t mind… it’s all in the past.

A special angel brought me back to my senses and made me believe in love again. Hope, really do, springs eternal. If one day, my heart beats for a specialperson again, though I’m quite sure it already did, I’ll gladly accept it and make it real. Not that the person who awakens my heart again isn’t a real one, coz he is. It’s just that he’s so high and I can’t reach him. And now that I am old enough to know the difference between reality from fantasy, and love from admiration… that certain feeling for this man was far from pure love. Yes, it is love but this kind of love I feel for him was out of respect and admiration for a man who happens to awaken a numb heart… that when the heart beats again, she saw his beautiful smiling face and made her believe that love never abandon her. She just had a long rest from the weariness and pains life has brought her and now that she’s alive again and rejuvenated, she’s stronger and wiser than before. And she’s ready to fall in love again… in time and if there’s someone out there who will give his heart to her.

PARA SA’YO…BASAHIN MO!

Hindi ginawa ang fanbase para sa pansariling interes lang ng kung sino mang gumawa nito. Ginawa ang fanbase para TUMULONG sa mga fans ng mga idol group na mahal nilang pare-pareho. Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan may mga naninira sa mga fanbase imbes na suportahan. Ang nakakalungkot pa, kapwa kababayan mo ang naninira. Mabuti pa ang mga taong hindi mo kalahi, yun pa yung walang sawa at handang suportahan ang mga projects ng fanbase mo. Kahit na gusto mo silang pasalihin sa projects ng fanbase mo, hindi pwede. Bakit? Para saan pa ang paglagay ng PH o Philippines sa pangalan ng fanbase mo kung ganoon din lang naman? Kaya nga may PH o Philippines dahil priority ka ng fanbase mo! Isang pribilehiyo, isang pagpapahalaga sa’yo na kahit kailan hindi yata sumagi sa isip mo.

Hindi ginawa ang fanbase para magspam ng pictures at facts tungkol sa idol group na gusto mo. Oo, importante ang mga yun sa isang fanbase o fandom para malaman ng mga kapwa fans ang mga dapat nilang malaman at gusto nilang makita. Pero hindi ba dapat kung fan ka, bago ka sumali sa fandom e alam mo kahit papaano ang mga bagay na dapat mong malaman sa mga idol group na gusto mo. Pero sa nakikita ko, hindi. Ano pa’t sinabi mong fan ka kung kahit tunay nilang pangalan at birthday o blood type nila ay di mo alam at kailangan pang sabihin sa’yo ng mga fanbase para pumasok sa kukote mo? Hindi ba dapat kusa mong inaalam ang lahat o kung hindi man, kahit mga simpleng bagay lang tungkol sa kanila? Ganoon kasi dapat…ganoon ang tama!

Hindi ginawa ang fanbase para manikil o mangulimbat ng pera at manloko ng kapwa fan. Oo, may mga projects ang fanbase na kailangan ng pera. Kailangan yun e! Pero hindi ibig sabihin nun na pinipilit ka nilang magbigay… hindi yun pilitan dahil kahit ang mga namumuno sa isang fanbase, alam ang sitwasyon ng kapwa nila fan. Mahirap ang buhay lalo na dito sa bansa natin. Ang gusto lang naman nila e konting tulong. Kung ano ang kayang ibigay, moral man o pinansyal, malaking bagay na yun para sa fanbase. Yun ang hindi naiisip ng ibang fans, na hindi ko alam kung makitid lang talaga ang utak o sadyang tanga lang.

Hindi ginawa ang fanbase para maging front ng isang negosyong pansarili.Madaming ganito, lalo na sa facebook. Oo, may mga fanbase na nagbebenta ng mga fangoods at merchandise. Pero hindi lahat! At hindi para sa sarili nila kundi para sa fanbase mismo. Pondo. Hindi naman tatakbo ng mabuti ang isang samahan kung wala silang pondong magagamit para sa proyekto nila na ikaw din ang makikinabang sa huli. Yung mga online stores na nagtatago sa likod ng “fanbase”, hindi ko alam kung sasaludo ba ako sa pagiging maabilidad nila o mapapailing sa pagiging oportunista. Nakakalungkot lang na karamihan sa mga tumatangkilik dito ay pulos baguhang fan. Mga inosenteng kabataan na naaakit ng mga bagsak presyong produkto. Kung sana’y ang mga pinambili nilang pera sa mga bagay na ito ay inilaan na lang nila sa mga importanteng bagay katulad ng fanprojects o kaya’y albums na counted sa music charts ng Korea e di sana’y nakatulong pa sila.

Seryosong gawain ang pagtatag ng fanbase! Hindi to lokohan! Akala ng nakararami, ginawa ito para magspam ng pictures; magpalaro ng kung ano-anong games na ang premyo ay pic spam din; at magspam ng facts na matagal ng alam ng fans. Paulit-ulit na lang, walang bago…nakakasawa na. Ginawa ang fanbase para tumulong sa fandom! Ginawa ang fanbase para maging daan sa idol group na gusto mo! Ginawa ang fanbase bilang pasasalamat, bilang pagbibigay pugay at importansya sa idol group na pare-parehong nyong mahal! Ginawa ang fanbase para sa’yo!

Kaunting pabor na nga lang ang hinihinging kapalit ng fanbase sa’yo, hindi mo pa maibigay. Konting tulong. Konting suporta. Pero anong ginagawa mo? Naninira ka. Sa tingin mo ba, matutulungan ka ng facts at picture spam para maiparating sa idol group na gusto mo ang gusto mong iparating? Hindi! Anong alam mo? Anong karapatan mong manira kung kahit konti wala ka pang naibibigay na tulong? Wala kang alam. At lalong wala kang karapatan. Dahil hindi ikaw ang walang sawang nagpupuyat at nagtyayagang maghintay , mangalap at magtranslate ng impormasyon at balita. Hindi ikaw ang walang sawang mag-isip ng projects para maipakita mo sa idol group na gusto mo na meron silang fanbase sa bansa mo. Hindi naman ikaw ang nagtatrabaho ng halos 24/7 na walang hinihintay na sweldo kinsenas katapusan. At lalong hindi ikaw ang naglalabas ng malaking halaga galing sa sarili mong bulsa mapunan lang ang kakulangan ng fanbase na dapat ikaw ang isa sa mga gumagawa.

Konting tulong. Konting suporta. Konting pasasalamat. Konting pagkilala. Kahit isa lang sa mga ito. Yun lang ang hinihinging kapalit. Yun lang. Pero ano? WALA. Kaya wag kang magtataka kung isang araw, mawalang lahat bigla ang mga fanbase dito sa Pinas dahil sa pinaggagagawa mo. Hindi mo sila masisisi dahil wala silang kasalanan. Ginagawa nila ang lahat para sa’yo! Pero anong isinusukli mo? Paninira sa mga projects nila na para sa’yo din naman at sa mismong fanbase na kasapi ka! Ikaw ang may sala kung magsawa man silang tumulong at umintindi sa’yo. At kanino ka tatakbo? Dun sa mga “fanbase” na puro facts at pic spam? Nagpapatawa ka yata?!?

Hindi naman ang fanbase ang mawawalan kundi ikaw. Dahil hindi mo binigyang importansya ang pribilehiyong pinagkaloob nila sa’yo. Ang fanbase kapag nawala pwedeng bumalik at lalong maging mas matatag, pero ikaw? Wala ka ng babalikan pa! Dahil sa mga walang kapararakang bagay na ginawa mo, ikaw mismo ang nag-alis sa sarili mo. Nakakaawa ka naman…para kang isang batang iniligaw ang sarili’t nalayo sa magulang dahil sa katigasan ng ulo… hindi na alam ang daan pabalik kaya’t iiyak na lang.

Kung naalis ang agiw sa utak mo dahil sa mga nabasa mo, maraming salamat. Kung hindi, salamat pa rin dahil pinansin mo ako. Naiparating ko sa’yo ang dapat kong iparating. At kung balak mong salungatin ang pinagsasabi ko dito, ikaw ang bahala. Panalo pa rin naman ako at ikaw ay mananatiling talunan dahil isa lang ang ibig sabihin no’n, nagkaroon ka ng pakialam… tinamaan ka. Bahala ka kung anong gusto mong gawin at sabihin laban sakin, laban dito. Hindi ko hawak ang pagiisip mo. Pero sana’y naantig ang puso mo kahit papaano. Alam kong hindi ka bato, may pag-asa ka pa… sana’y balang araw matauhan ka. Dahil kung hindi’y magiging huli na ang lahat para sa’yo. Hindi mo na maibabalik ang lahat sa dati at ang pagsisisi ay habang buhay mong dadalhin sa konsensya mo.

A DREAM… SOON TO BE REALITY…

9:00 in the morning, I suddenly woke up… and the first thing I saw when I open my eyes was Leeteuk’s face. I always have this big picture of him posted on my bedroom wall and every night, before I went to sleep, I’ll look at it and said goodnight. Weird, right? Oh well, what would you expect from a bias or a SuJu fan like myself? ^^

I don’t know why this morning felt different. I grab my cellphone and start to play a song that I just got from my sister yesterday. It was Parokya ni Edgar’s (a legendary OPM band) Pangarap Lang Kita featuring Ms. Happee Sy’s (now Mrs. Vernon Go^^) voice, she’s the producer of Super Show here in Manila. I was listening to the song while looking at Teuk’s face and a favorite line from one of my favorite local paperback romance writer kept ringing inside my head. She wrote this quote on one of her novels which is about a girl who fell in love with one of the members of a rock band. The friend of the girl said this line to her: “Hindi ka kayang mahalin ng isang pangarap lang…” (“A dream can’t love you back…”). With the words ringing in my head and the song playing over and over again in the background plus the face of the man my heart beats for staring back at me, train of thoughts suddenly filled my head.

I know for a fact that he can’t like or love me back for many reasons my mind could think of. One, I’m just one of his millions of fans. Two, I’m here in my own country and he’s in Korea. And even if I live in the same place as his, will there be a possibility that he will notice me from so many girls around him? Three, I know I’m beautiful in my own way but I don’t think I’m his type of girl. So on and so forth. But like I always tell to myself, “There’s no harm in dreaming.” So I kept on dreaming even if reality was already in front of me, biting me like a snake. Until this morning, my mind flashed this in front of me… I WANT TO SEE HIM, PERSONALLY. Why?

I want to see him, personally, not because I want to seduce (LOL) him into liking me back. Or stalk him like a fan should do to their idol. I just want to see him because I want to know if what I feel for him is real. I want to know if my heart will beat so hard like the way it always did whenever I see his face on t.v. or pictures. I WANT TO KNOW IF WHAT I FEEL IS REAL. I may sound like a delusional fan, but I know the score. I am not. I just want to be free from the aching but wonderful feeling that envelopes my whole being ever since I started to notice him. I want to fall in love with a real man, not that I’m saying he’s not real or anything.  A real man whose going to love me back and accept me for who I am. A real man whom I can spend my whole life with and I can touch and feel his warmth. Do you get what I mean?

I don’t when I’ll be able to see him personally. Maybe next year, before he enlist the army or maybe after two to three years, when he goes out of the army. I don’t really know. Only time will tell but one thing I’m sure is that I’m really going to see him even if it takes years before that happen. I still have to finish my studies and work for a living so I can save money for travelling abroad. I still have to prioritize my career and family. Love can wait. For now, dreaming of him is the only way to cope up with what I am feeling right now.

A dream can’t love me back, I know. But just like what the heroine in the novel I’ve read, I can always make my dream possible. Who knows, when the time comes I finally go to his place, a miracle might happen? Maybe the dream will stay a dream and then I’ll move on with my life…or maybe it will turn into a reality…just maybe…